Fucksaw the Sleepwalker

The statue “Sleep Walker” is part of an art exhibit featuring sculptor Tony Matelli at the college’s Davis Museum.

Dear Real Dan Savage: I’m a student at Wellesley College, and I’m scared. The college recently erected a highly lifelike statue of a mostly-naked man sleepwalking in nothing but underwear. This inappropriate and potentially harmful addition to our community immediately became a source of undue stress for a number of students. While the sculpture may not trigger, disturb, or bother everyone on campus, as a community it is our responsibility to pay attention to and attempt to answer the needs of all of our community members.

For those among us who find the sculpture triggering, daily activities that require moving about the campus may be seriously impeded by the nature, location, and context of the sculpture. I welcome outdoor art that is provocative without causing me unnecessary distress, but I want the college to notify us before displaying public art, especially if it is of a particularly shocking or sensitive nature. I’ve attached a photograph of this shocking sculpture, so you can understand just how shocking it is.

Scared in Wellesley

Dear Scared: I can’t tell if you’re Agender, Androgyne, Androgynous, Bigender, Cis, Cisgender, Cis Female, Cis Male, Cis Man, Cis Woman, Cisgender Female, Cisgender Male, Cisgender Man, Cisgender Woman, Female to Male, FTM, Gender Fluid, Gender Nonconforming, Gender Questioning, Gender Variant, Genderqueer, Intersex, Male to Female, MTF, Neither, Neutrois, Non-binary, Other, Pangender, Trans, Trans*, Trans Female, Trans* Female, Trans Male, Trans* Male, Trans Man, Trans* Man, Trans Person, Trans* Person, Trans Woman, Trans* Woman, Transfeminine, Transgender, Transgender Female, Transgender Male, Transgender Man, Transgender Person, Transgender Woman, Transmasculine, Transsexual, Transsexual Female, Transsexual Male, Transsexual Man, Transsexual Person, Transsexual Woman, or Two-Spirit.

But never mind. It doesn’t matter. If you’re scared of a statue you’re a pussy. Here’s how you can fix that.

Go to your local home improvement store (there’s a Lowe’s at 350 Cochituate Rd. in Framingham) and get yourself a reciprocating saw, a portable power supply, and some safety glasses. Then get a dildo. Amazing Intimate Essentials in Waltham will have a good selection for you to choose from. Then make a fucksaw.

The Fuck Saw used by Professor J. Michael Bailey at Northwestern University. At the demonstration, At the demo, a naked woman took the stage, and was repeatedly sexually stimulated by a motorized device.

Using the safety glasses, make sure the saw works properly. If you can’t find a volunteer, I’ll come to Wellesley myself.

Here’s the important part. Pay attention. 1) Send a press release to the local press, including your campus newspapers, announcing your intention to Fucksaw the Sleepwalker. Choose a day and time when the campus is busy. 2) At the appointed time, start up the Fucksaw and fuck the Sleepwalker with it. Do Not Chicken Out!

Call it “performance art” and you’ll probably get off with a slap on the wrist. But, most importantly, you won’t be Scared in Wellesley anymore.