Object Assumption

Dear RealDanSavage: I’m a twentysomething genetic male. I thought for a while that I might be trans, but I ended up deciding that while I hate my masculine features and like girl clothes and want to be “cute,” I have no desire to be female and don’t want to have breasts or a vagina. I also don’t identify with a particular sexual orientation, as I don’t find the concept useful. I’ve been with both boys and girls, and currently I’m with a trans girl who wants to get sex-reassignment surgery (SRS). Is it insensitive, as a rule, to be attracted to trans girls? I like to think of myself as sexually progressive, and I don’t want to objectify anybody. – Hates Real Vaginas

Dear Hate:

I wanted to quote a freelance writer and trans media activist, but my priest/lawyer/congressperson said that would be stupid so I’m giving you the straight shit instead.

You have a mental disorder.

This is not just my personal opinion, though, so don’t go hatin’ on me. Don’t get me wrong: I’m big into hate. You just need to hate the right person, which would be Dr. Paul McHugh, the former psychiatrist in chief at Johns Hopkins Hospital.

“‘Sex change’ is biologically impossible.  People who undergo sex-reassignment surgery do not change from men to women or vice versa. Rather, they become feminized men or masculinized women. Claiming that this is civil-rights matter and encouraging surgical intervention is in reality to collaborate with and promote a mental disorder.

The good news is that you have a 75% chance of getting over your disorder just by doing nothing!

If your girlfriend wants surgery … well, OK … but don’t drop my name because she’ll probably have even more mental problems about 10 years after the procedure. Which would be bad enough by itself, but you should also know that the suicide mortality rate after SRS is “almost 20-fold above the comparable nontransgender population.”

Damn. Mental disorder, followed by more mental problems, followed by suicide. Please excuse me, but I don’t care how good the sex is – and I’m BIG into sex – that is some shit I could do without.

The bottom line, according to McHugh? You can’t be a woman, and she can’t be a man.

But you don’t have to believe someone with a long career of investigating the neuroscientific foundations of motivated behaviors, psychiatric genetics, epidemiology, and neuropsychiatry.

No. You can choose to believe Parker Marie Molloy, an essayist and transgender media advocate who writes about feminism and gender-related topics for The Advocate, Rolling Stone, The Huffington Post, Salon, and Talking Points Memo.

Molloy says the two of you should “sit down and have a long talk about genitals.”

Yeah, I know I said I’d give you the straight shit, but I’ve changed my mind. No contest. Go with Molloy.


It depends on what the definition of ‘it’ is, doesn’t it?

Photo: Courtesy of Ray Whitehouse, Institute of Politics Columnist and founder of the "It Gets Better" project Dan Savage  and IOP fellow Ana Marie Cox discuss the role of social media in activism.

Photo credit: Ray Whitehouse, Institute of Politics
Columnist and founder of the “It Gets Better” project Dan Savage and IOP fellow Ana Marie Cox discuss the role of social media in activism.

I get it. I mean, I understand that people who prefer to be identified by the pronoun “it” might be offended by a word containing any letters other than I or T. But therein lies the rub.

No, I’m not saying I want to “get” it, or rub up against it — the transgender youth named Hex. That would be a thoughtcrime.

I’m saying “It Gets Better” if we talk about these things.

Shit. I think I need to consult my lawyers on what the definition of “it” is.

I mean, Hex, you’re a darling, but if the — if it — if “it” means it and nothing else, it is not — that is one thing. If “it” means “he” or “she” but not “xe” or “thon” then it was a completely true statement. I mean, my statement that repurposing words can be empowering was completely true and not a T-slur.

Now, if you — it — not xe or thon — had asked me on that day, if you — it, Hex — were offended by reclaiming “tranny”, that is, if you had asked me a question in the present tense, I would have said no, because it — what I said — wasn’t directed at you personally. It — son of a bitch! — my statement — was an attempt to discuss strategies for overcoming its — NO! Not you! It! The word “tranny”! — negative and hurtful associations. And it — the statement — would have been completely true. Which means that you — Hex, it — would have been completely wrong, and I would have been completely right.

So I can’t understand why anyone would start a petition accusing me of hate speech. I also can’t understand how it’s possible — No! — that I agree with Reason that there is “no better way to reaffirm a word’s evil power than by making it unsayable.”

Okay. That settles it. I’ve had it. (No, I haven’t “had it” in the biblical sense – I “hate” trannnies, remember?)

Hex, you’re a prude.


Good Question

If We Can Pick Our Gender, Can We Pick Our Age? Our Race?


My heteronormative patriarch is guilty. Not me.

I reject your heteronormative patriarchal definition of murder!

I reject your heteronormative patriarchal definition of murder!

Dear RealDanSavage,

I’m a transgender woman being charged with the murders of several prostitutes more than 20 years ago in Spokane. I didn’t do it. Doug did. Please help me.

Donna Not Doug

Dear Donna,

You are trans*woman! I hear you roar! Pay no attention to intolerant, homophobic, racist, misogynist a-holes with an iPhone and a tenth grade education who can’t see beyond the rigid social constructions of masculinity and femininity where people exist in binary pairs.

If you were Doug back then, and you’re Donna today, then Donna didn’t do it. You were Dominant then, and now you’re Submissive. You were the Penetrator, and now you’re being Penetrated.

Seriously, though, you should lube up for some serious Penetrating, because you’re probably headed for the Big House where The Heteronormative Patriarchy is large and in charge.

Unless you follow my lawyer’s advice and plead not guilty by reason of insanity.


Hell freezes over as Fred Phelps arrives

Poor FakeDanSavage. The “social cons” he loves to hate actually agree with him. It must be hard to see hell freezing over from your front porch.

FakeDanSavage looks for a scolding.

FakeDaSavage speaks.

Facebook

Liberals and conservatives agree: Fred Phelps is going to hell.

Mediaite_Phelps


Who else deserves to die, and how can I help? :)

The news that Fred Phelps is dying brought so much joy to my heart that I’ve created a short list of other people who deserve to die.*

  • Republicans, with special circumstances for Sarah Palin and her evil spawn. I’m thinking wolves.
  • Christians. Crucifixion for sure.
  • Russians, especially Vladimir Putin. Bear baiting.
  • Conservative talk show hosts. Death by waterboarding.

Haters, all of them. If we’re ever going to have a world free of hate, we need to kill the haters. It’s the only way to achieve transhumanity.

* RealDanSavage reserves the right to change this list without prior notice (and looks forward to doing so). By reading this list, you agree to kill a few haters yourself.


Greek god compels transgender student to commit hate crime

The Earth, or the Fight of Heracles and Antaeus, 1819, by Auguste Couder

The Earth, or the Fight of Heracles and Antaeus, 1819, by Auguste Couder

The name Hercules is enough to trigger a raging hard-on, or fears of epic gang rapes by giants. Or both, if you’re a savage cisgender gay male like me.

In Hercules, California, police were recently called in to investigate a hate crime after a transgender student alleged that he’d been sexually assaulted in the boys’ bathroom at Hercules High School. (Where is the Hydra when you need her to guard the underworld?)

The report turned out to be a hoax.

I know us gay men supposed to have our cocks in line when talking about shit like this, but something (maybe its my latent Catholicism, but straight up honesty is also a suspect) tells me to call bullshit on Carolyn Laub, executive director of the Gay-Straight Alliance Network.

“Even if this particular story isn’t true,” she told the press, “the school’s response, to put in place plans for bringing the community together and addressing school safety and climate, is a good outcome.”

That’s like saying, “Even if Matthew Shepard was murdered by his gay drug-dealing lover after a five-day meth bender, it was good for us to believe a lie for fifteen long years, because that lie helped us tear down a culture we hated and build another in its place.”

Hmm. I hadn’t really thought of it that way until writing those words, but I’m right. The lie of Shepard’s murder did turn out pretty well for us. Never mind, Carolyn, I forgive you.

We don’t know why the student snapped, and told police he was “beaten and sexually assaulted” by three heterosexual boys in the school bathroom, but we might start with the name of the school.

The school in question is named after the divine Greek hero Heracles who, among other things: a) while still a baby, strangled a snake sent to kill him; b) killed a monstrous lion that was impervious to mortal weapons; c) slew the many-headed Hydra, which guarded the underworld and was bred by the goddess Hera to kill him; and d) stole the magical girdle of Hippolyta, the Queen of the Amazons, which was given to her by her father Ares, the god of war.

Fuck. My dick gets hard just thinking about it. But I’m not fifteen, and I didn’t get assaulted at a school named after a Greek god who murdered his own wife and children in a fit of rage, and then paid for his sin with the most extreme penance known to literature.

Yeah, the transgender teen lied. No, there was no assault. Yes, if a straight dude had falsely accused three gay boys of the same thing, we’d be talking prison time. But we can still work it to our advantage by shifting blame to Western Civilization. I blame Heracles.