Category Archives: Psychology

Object Assumption

Dear RealDanSavage: I’m a twentysomething genetic male. I thought for a while that I might be trans, but I ended up deciding that while I hate my masculine features and like girl clothes and want to be “cute,” I have no desire to be female and don’t want to have breasts or a vagina. I also don’t identify with a particular sexual orientation, as I don’t find the concept useful. I’ve been with both boys and girls, and currently I’m with a trans girl who wants to get sex-reassignment surgery (SRS). Is it insensitive, as a rule, to be attracted to trans girls? I like to think of myself as sexually progressive, and I don’t want to objectify anybody. – Hates Real Vaginas

Dear Hate:

I wanted to quote a freelance writer and trans media activist, but my priest/lawyer/congressperson said that would be stupid so I’m giving you the straight shit instead.

You have a mental disorder.

This is not just my personal opinion, though, so don’t go hatin’ on me. Don’t get me wrong: I’m big into hate. You just need to hate the right person, which would be Dr. Paul McHugh, the former psychiatrist in chief at Johns Hopkins Hospital.

“‘Sex change’ is biologically impossible.  People who undergo sex-reassignment surgery do not change from men to women or vice versa. Rather, they become feminized men or masculinized women. Claiming that this is civil-rights matter and encouraging surgical intervention is in reality to collaborate with and promote a mental disorder.

The good news is that you have a 75% chance of getting over your disorder just by doing nothing!

If your girlfriend wants surgery … well, OK … but don’t drop my name because she’ll probably have even more mental problems about 10 years after the procedure. Which would be bad enough by itself, but you should also know that the suicide mortality rate after SRS is “almost 20-fold above the comparable nontransgender population.”

Damn. Mental disorder, followed by more mental problems, followed by suicide. Please excuse me, but I don’t care how good the sex is – and I’m BIG into sex – that is some shit I could do without.

The bottom line, according to McHugh? You can’t be a woman, and she can’t be a man.

But you don’t have to believe someone with a long career of investigating the neuroscientific foundations of motivated behaviors, psychiatric genetics, epidemiology, and neuropsychiatry.

No. You can choose to believe Parker Marie Molloy, an essayist and transgender media advocate who writes about feminism and gender-related topics for The Advocate, Rolling Stone, The Huffington Post, Salon, and Talking Points Memo.

Molloy says the two of you should “sit down and have a long talk about genitals.”

Yeah, I know I said I’d give you the straight shit, but I’ve changed my mind. No contest. Go with Molloy.


Greek god compels transgender student to commit hate crime

The Earth, or the Fight of Heracles and Antaeus, 1819, by Auguste Couder

The Earth, or the Fight of Heracles and Antaeus, 1819, by Auguste Couder

The name Hercules is enough to trigger a raging hard-on, or fears of epic gang rapes by giants. Or both, if you’re a savage cisgender gay male like me.

In Hercules, California, police were recently called in to investigate a hate crime after a transgender student alleged that he’d been sexually assaulted in the boys’ bathroom at Hercules High School. (Where is the Hydra when you need her to guard the underworld?)

The report turned out to be a hoax.

I know us gay men supposed to have our cocks in line when talking about shit like this, but something (maybe its my latent Catholicism, but straight up honesty is also a suspect) tells me to call bullshit on Carolyn Laub, executive director of the Gay-Straight Alliance Network.

“Even if this particular story isn’t true,” she told the press, “the school’s response, to put in place plans for bringing the community together and addressing school safety and climate, is a good outcome.”

That’s like saying, “Even if Matthew Shepard was murdered by his gay drug-dealing lover after a five-day meth bender, it was good for us to believe a lie for fifteen long years, because that lie helped us tear down a culture we hated and build another in its place.”

Hmm. I hadn’t really thought of it that way until writing those words, but I’m right. The lie of Shepard’s murder did turn out pretty well for us. Never mind, Carolyn, I forgive you.

We don’t know why the student snapped, and told police he was “beaten and sexually assaulted” by three heterosexual boys in the school bathroom, but we might start with the name of the school.

The school in question is named after the divine Greek hero Heracles who, among other things: a) while still a baby, strangled a snake sent to kill him; b) killed a monstrous lion that was impervious to mortal weapons; c) slew the many-headed Hydra, which guarded the underworld and was bred by the goddess Hera to kill him; and d) stole the magical girdle of Hippolyta, the Queen of the Amazons, which was given to her by her father Ares, the god of war.

Fuck. My dick gets hard just thinking about it. But I’m not fifteen, and I didn’t get assaulted at a school named after a Greek god who murdered his own wife and children in a fit of rage, and then paid for his sin with the most extreme penance known to literature.

Yeah, the transgender teen lied. No, there was no assault. Yes, if a straight dude had falsely accused three gay boys of the same thing, we’d be talking prison time. But we can still work it to our advantage by shifting blame to Western Civilization. I blame Heracles.


Fucksaw the Sleepwalker

The statue "Sleep Walker" is part of an art exhibit featuring sculptor Tony Matelli at the college's Davis Museum.

The statue “Sleep Walker” is part of an art exhibit featuring sculptor Tony Matelli at the college’s Davis Museum.

Dear Real Dan Savage: I’m a student at Wellesley College, and I’m scared. The college recently erected a highly lifelike statue of a mostly-naked man sleepwalking in nothing but underwear. This inappropriate and potentially harmful addition to our community immediately became a source of undue stress for a number of students. While the sculpture may not trigger, disturb, or bother everyone on campus, as a community it is our responsibility to pay attention to and attempt to answer the needs of all of our community members.

For those among us who find the sculpture triggering, daily activities that require moving about the campus may be seriously impeded by the nature, location, and context of the sculpture. I welcome outdoor art that is provocative without causing me unnecessary distress, but I want the college to notify us before displaying public art, especially if it is of a particularly shocking or sensitive nature. I’ve attached a photograph of this shocking sculpture, so you can understand just how shocking it is.

Scared in Wellesley

Dear Scared: I can’t tell if you’re Agender, Androgyne, Androgynous, Bigender, Cis, Cisgender, Cis Female, Cis Male, Cis Man, Cis Woman, Cisgender Female, Cisgender Male, Cisgender Man, Cisgender Woman, Female to Male, FTM, Gender Fluid, Gender Nonconforming, Gender Questioning, Gender Variant, Genderqueer, Intersex, Male to Female, MTF, Neither, Neutrois, Non-binary, Other, Pangender, Trans, Trans*, Trans Female, Trans* Female, Trans Male, Trans* Male, Trans Man, Trans* Man, Trans Person, Trans* Person, Trans Woman, Trans* Woman, Transfeminine, Transgender, Transgender Female, Transgender Male, Transgender Man, Transgender Person, Transgender Woman, Transmasculine, Transsexual, Transsexual Female, Transsexual Male, Transsexual Man, Transsexual Person, Transsexual Woman, or Two-Spirit.

But never mind. It doesn’t matter. If you’re scared of a statue you’re a pussy. Here’s how you can fix that.

Go to your local home improvement store (there’s a Lowe’s at 350 Cochituate Rd. in Framingham) and get yourself a reciprocating saw, a portable power supply, and some safety glasses. Then get a dildo. Amazing Intimate Essentials in Waltham will have a good selection for you to choose from. Then make a fucksaw.

The Fuck Saw used by Professor J. Michael Bailey at Northwestern University.  At the demonstration, At the demo, a naked woman took the stage, and was repeatedly sexually stimulated by a motorized device.

The Fuck Saw used by Professor J. Michael Bailey at Northwestern University. At the demonstration, At the demo, a naked woman took the stage, and was repeatedly sexually stimulated by a motorized device.

Using the safety glasses, make sure the saw works properly. If you can’t find a volunteer, I’ll come to Wellesley myself.

Here’s the important part. Pay attention. 1) Send a press release to the local press, including your campus newspapers, announcing your intention to Fucksaw the Sleepwalker. Choose a day and time when the campus is busy. 2) At the appointed time, start up the Fucksaw and fuck the Sleepwalker with it. Do Not Chicken Out!

Call it “performance art” and you’ll probably get off with a slap on the wrist. But, most importantly, you won’t be Scared in Wellesley anymore.


Psychopaths who fuck in axial orientation with the earth’s magnetic field

Either I’m a psychopath or I just play one on TV – but I took the test and scored a 91%. Here’s what they say about me:

You can play hardball with the best of them! You know what you want and are not afraid to go for it – even if it means bending the rules occasionally and putting a few noses out of joint on the way. Nothing fazes you. You are decisive, self-confident and pretty much up for anything. You are a ‘means-to-an-end’ person. For you, it’s not necessarily a matter of right or wrong, but of what gets the job done. ‘Bring it on’ is your mantra, but to help those around you keep their heads, you should learn some tricks to help you temper your self-satisfying tendencies…

That sounds about right.

Fuck! How did I manage to score higher than Margaret Thatcher?!

Fuck! How did I manage to score higher than Margaret Thatcher?!

According to the online study, “the most psychopathic people” prefer fish for pets and the least prefer cats. I don’t know where dogs figure into the spectrum, but after decades of fucking, I’ve discovered that haptic memory figures prominently in my preferred penile grip and that I prefer to fuck in axial orientation with the earth’s magnetic field. I think that should lower my score by at least ten points.