It depends on what the definition of ‘it’ is, doesn’t it?

Photo credit: Ray Whitehouse, Institute of Politics
Columnist and founder of the “It Gets Better” project Dan Savage and IOP fellow Ana Marie Cox discuss the role of social media in activism.

I get it. I mean, I understand that people who prefer to be identified by the pronoun “it” might be offended by a word containing any letters other than I or T. But therein lies the rub.

No, I’m not saying I want to “get” it, or rub up against it — the transgender youth named Hex. That would be a thoughtcrime.

I’m saying “It Gets Better” if we talk about these things.

Shit. I think I need to consult my lawyers on what the definition of “it” is.

I mean, Hex, you’re a darling, but if the — if it — if “it” means it and nothing else, it is not — that is one thing. If “it” means “he” or “she” but not “xe” or “thon” then it was a completely true statement. I mean, my statement that repurposing words can be empowering was completely true and not a T-slur.

Now, if you — it — not xe or thon — had asked me on that day, if you — it, Hex — were offended by reclaiming “tranny”, that is, if you had asked me a question in the present tense, I would have said no, because it — what I said — wasn’t directed at you personally. It — son of a bitch! — my statement — was an attempt to discuss strategies for overcoming its — NO! Not you! It! The word “tranny”! — negative and hurtful associations. And it — the statement — would have been completely true. Which means that you — Hex, it — would have been completely wrong, and I would have been completely right.

So I can’t understand why anyone would start a petition accusing me of hate speech. I also can’t understand how it’s possible — No! — that I agree with Reason that there is “no better way to reaffirm a word’s evil power than by making it unsayable.”

Okay. That settles it. I’ve had it. (No, I haven’t “had it” in the biblical sense – I “hate” trannnies, remember?)

Hex, you’re a prude.

Fucksaw the Sleepwalker

The statue “Sleep Walker” is part of an art exhibit featuring sculptor Tony Matelli at the college’s Davis Museum.

Dear Real Dan Savage: I’m a student at Wellesley College, and I’m scared. The college recently erected a highly lifelike statue of a mostly-naked man sleepwalking in nothing but underwear. This inappropriate and potentially harmful addition to our community immediately became a source of undue stress for a number of students. While the sculpture may not trigger, disturb, or bother everyone on campus, as a community it is our responsibility to pay attention to and attempt to answer the needs of all of our community members.

For those among us who find the sculpture triggering, daily activities that require moving about the campus may be seriously impeded by the nature, location, and context of the sculpture. I welcome outdoor art that is provocative without causing me unnecessary distress, but I want the college to notify us before displaying public art, especially if it is of a particularly shocking or sensitive nature. I’ve attached a photograph of this shocking sculpture, so you can understand just how shocking it is.

Scared in Wellesley

Dear Scared: I can’t tell if you’re Agender, Androgyne, Androgynous, Bigender, Cis, Cisgender, Cis Female, Cis Male, Cis Man, Cis Woman, Cisgender Female, Cisgender Male, Cisgender Man, Cisgender Woman, Female to Male, FTM, Gender Fluid, Gender Nonconforming, Gender Questioning, Gender Variant, Genderqueer, Intersex, Male to Female, MTF, Neither, Neutrois, Non-binary, Other, Pangender, Trans, Trans*, Trans Female, Trans* Female, Trans Male, Trans* Male, Trans Man, Trans* Man, Trans Person, Trans* Person, Trans Woman, Trans* Woman, Transfeminine, Transgender, Transgender Female, Transgender Male, Transgender Man, Transgender Person, Transgender Woman, Transmasculine, Transsexual, Transsexual Female, Transsexual Male, Transsexual Man, Transsexual Person, Transsexual Woman, or Two-Spirit.

But never mind. It doesn’t matter. If you’re scared of a statue you’re a pussy. Here’s how you can fix that.

Go to your local home improvement store (there’s a Lowe’s at 350 Cochituate Rd. in Framingham) and get yourself a reciprocating saw, a portable power supply, and some safety glasses. Then get a dildo. Amazing Intimate Essentials in Waltham will have a good selection for you to choose from. Then make a fucksaw.

The Fuck Saw used by Professor J. Michael Bailey at Northwestern University. At the demonstration, At the demo, a naked woman took the stage, and was repeatedly sexually stimulated by a motorized device.

Using the safety glasses, make sure the saw works properly. If you can’t find a volunteer, I’ll come to Wellesley myself.

Here’s the important part. Pay attention. 1) Send a press release to the local press, including your campus newspapers, announcing your intention to Fucksaw the Sleepwalker. Choose a day and time when the campus is busy. 2) At the appointed time, start up the Fucksaw and fuck the Sleepwalker with it. Do Not Chicken Out!

Call it “performance art” and you’ll probably get off with a slap on the wrist. But, most importantly, you won’t be Scared in Wellesley anymore.

Thank my lucky Tampax that ‘freebleeding’ is a hoax

So #freebleeding is a hoax. Good. Because my husband and I love tampon sex sometimes. And besides that, I hate it when my ass bleeds all over the sheets.

Yeah, yeah … I know I said that “if you do anal sex right, it doesn’t hurt.” I also said:

There’s no such thing as “100 percent safe sex,” just as there’s no such thing as “100 percent safe chicken salad,” DBTR. … There is only safer sex: use condoms when appropriate, have more sex with fewer partners, get regular STI screenings.

So, occasionally, when my husband shoves a tampon up my ass at my request, I’m thankful for the Superior Absorption with Fluid-Lock Grooves. (Yeah, I admit I prefer o.b. What man doesn’t?) If nothing else, it helps me get my groove on.

Jesus, you can’t even joke about cunnilingus on CNN…

The prudes are at it again. The blogger whose name shall not be typed noted my* appearance on CNN with Anderson Cooper and Andrew Sullivan:

We can only imagine what an old-fashioned Freudian analyst might say about Cooper, Savage and Sullivan sitting around laughing on national TV at Cooper [sic] mother’s sex life.

What is the fucking problem? It’s not as if Western Civilization is threatened by three gay men laughing on national TV about how much Anderson’s mother enjoyed cunnilingus. We all know Andrew’s mother enjoyed it. Hell, my mother probably enjoyed having her box chomped, so let me take this moment to apologize: I’m sorry I didn’t tell CNN’s viewers that my mother loved to have her slit licked.

And for all the prudes out there, think about this: Western Civilization might actually be SAVED by gay men who love to talk about their mothers’ oral sex habits on TV. Gay men around the world can now feel free to talk about their own moms on TV, something that has never happened in the history of the world. Anderson, Andrew and I are proud to be “pushing the envelope” (heh, get it?) of civil rights.

Imagine, if you can, what would have happened if we hadn’t shared that little joke. I can’t.

So lighten up, folks. One day, thanks to me and CNN, we’ll have a gay POTUS whose inauguration speech will mention her mother’s afternoon pussy delight. What a great day for freedom that will be. I can only hope she gives the speech in sight of the Washington Monument, and that Andrew, Anderson, and I, will be commentating for CNN, joking about Washington’s phallus. We’ll have Kathy Griffin as a guest, and she’ll share the inspiring story of how Martha’s insatiable craving for cunnilingus gave our first president the courage to finish off the Revolutionary War.

I’m sure Anderson will appreciate that. Who wouldn’t?

* The real real Dan Savage (known as @FakeDanSavage on Twitter) was Cooper’s guest on CNN. The Real Dan Savage, the stellar host of the Shit Gets Better blog, was somewhere else not talking about the cunnilingus habits of 85-year-old moms.