Category Archives: ObamaCare

Obama should kill Little Sisters of the Poor with pack of hungry dogs

Last week the web was all atwitter with the news that Kim Jong Un had killed his uncle with a pack of ravenous dogs. Now we learn the story is most likely a hoax.

That’s too bad.

You see, power is the ultimate aphrodisiac, and feeding anyone to a pack of dogs is a powerful act. Make it a live family member and my dick comes to attention. It makes me want to give Un one of my epic blowjobs. I mean, look at the guy. He’s practically begging for it.

Kim wants my lips around his dick. I can tell.

Kim wants my lips around his dick. I can tell.

Back here in the U.S. an obscure sect of old nuns who care for other old people had the temerity to challenge the Law of the Land and win.

That must not stand, and it looks like my black brother in the White House is playing strongman.

The Obama administration told the Supreme Court that nuns running an elder-care facility should have to provide “free” abortion drugs through their health-insurance plan.

But maybe not strong enough.

There is hope, though, that your hard-earned pay won’t be wasted on absurdities like this much longer. Religious freedom is so embedded in American law that Obamacare has suffered court orders against its mandate in 53 of 60 rulings so far.

It’s no secret that I hate real religion. (I like fake religion, though, so don’t get your knickers in a twist.) We almost managed to eliminate it from the public square, and then came Obamacare. Don’t get me wrong: I love taxpayer-funded healthcare for all. How my man Barack managed to fuck it up, I don’t know, but we need to fight back.

In the first wave of the abortion-pill-mandate debate, President Obama promised Christian leaders that the rule would exempt religious groups. But the abortion extremists had their way and the White House “evolved” on the issue. The 2012 election year “solution” was to tell religious groups they would, in the words of Cardinal Dolan, get an extra year delay in order to “figure out how to violate [their] consciences.”

Then the Obama administration walked into court against religious families who earn a living in business. It insisted that those job-creating families don’t possess religious freedom. The government has deemed the world of business and healthcare “secular,” where religion is not allowed.

You’re god-damned right the world is secular! No one has the right to force their agenda on anyone else!

But here come these nuns trying to fuck it all up. And now they have to pay.

Barack, you know dogs, so here’s the plan: Starve Bo and Sunny for the next couple weeks. Then invite the Little Sisters over for a Nun Summit. It’ll look like an accident.

Sic 'em Bo!

Sic ’em Bo!


Murdered lesbian prisoner nuns would be exempt from Obamacare

So, the Little Sisters of the Poor want an exemption from Obamacare, do they? Someone has already suggested one way of making that happen: organize the nuns into a union.

That doesn’t go far enough. The nuns need to organize a union, come out as lesbians, deny their faith, get themselves arrested, and rename their order as the Poor Little Sisters of the Big House. Then they’d qualify for at least one of these exemptions:

people who can’t afford coverage, even with a subsidy; people with income levels too low to require filing a federal tax return; members of certain Indian tribes; people who can claim a hardship; people who will have a short gap in their coverage;  members of certain religious groups that conscientiously oppose insurance benefit programs (e.g., the Amish); members of a “health care sharing ministry”; people in prison; and people who are not lawfully in the United States.

I’m not kidding. Nuns are just criminals anyway. They might as well make it official.

But maybe even THAT doesn’t go far enough. In my book, having a “moral objection to facilitating contraception, sterilization, and abortion” is a hanging offense.

If Obama would just have the nuns killed, they could go live in heaven where everyone gets free healthcare. We would no longer be forced to listen to their incessant whining about Obama’s “absurd new low.” They would get what they’ve always wanted. And America would finally be on its way toward the eradication of religion.

You think Obama has an ideological obsession? You ain’t seen nothin’ yet.

How’s that for a dangerous idea?


Ethan Krupp interviews Dan Savage

Ethan Krupp, the hit star of the Pajama Boy infomercials for the Affordable Care Act, recently sat down with The Real Dan Savage (not to be confused with Fake Dan Savage, who is the “real” real Dan Savage – see how I did that?). Here’s a transcript of the interview.

Ethan Krupp: Fuck, I’m a liberal fuck.

The Real Dan Savage: I’m a liberal fuck, too.

EK: We should fuck.

[The Real Dan Savage sits on Krupp’s lap. Krupp pushes him off.]

EK: Wait! That was just a metaphor. I really like having a beautiful woman on my arm as I stride across campus.

TRDS: That’s fine. Who am I to judge your usage of women for personal aggrandizement? Maybe we should just organize a liberal fuck-fest instead.

EK: Well, the two activities aren’t mutually exclusive. But didn’t we already do that with ObamaCare?

TRDS: Good one, Ethan. So you’re distancing yourself from Obama, too?

EK:  Of course not. I have no morals.

TRDS: Preach it, brother!

EK: Oh, it looks like the cameras are finally ready. [To the camera] Are you assholes ready? My cocoa is cold, and these pj’s are riding up. Oh, you think that’s funny? Well, fuck you. I will attack you. [To TRDS] You like how I did that?

TRDS: You’re a vagina, not that that’s a bad thing. But I triple-dog-dare you to say that on camera. Hell, I used the word cunnilingus on Anderson Cooper’s show the other day.

EK: I saw that! That was awesome! [Puts up a hand for a high-five, which TRDS ignores] But did Anderson tell you that I was the guy who performed the cunnilingus on his 85-year-old mother? I am the fucking Nijinsky of cunnilingus!

TRDS: Fuck yeah! [Puts up a hand for a high-five, which EK ignores] Oh! Is that how it is? I’m here because YOU asked ME … and you ignore my high-five?

EK: [Puts up his hand for a high-five] Sorry. You’re absolutely right. By the way, who’s Nijinsky?

TRDS: [Ignores the lame high-five attempt by EK] Suffice it to say that you will pay for your cunnilingus crimes. You’ll be arrested by Republicans, who will deny you the right to perform your amazing cunnilingus skills. You’ll die in Switzerland, while your family witnesses your excruciating decline into mental illness, having never performed cunnilingus again.

EK: What the fuck?

TRDS: You’re the one who asked. What the fuck did you ask me here for?

EK: Jesus, you’re an asshole.

TRDS: Hey, you fuck with the wrong asshole and you see what happens.

EK: Yolo.

TRDS: What the fuck does that mean?

EK: How old are you, anyway? Did you fight in World War II? [EK tries out the smirk that won him such fame in the Pajama Boy infomercial]

TRDS: [Sits up on the edge of his chair and flexes] Hey! I doubled down on Palin with the whole shit-in-your mouth thing that got Martin Bashir fired! You want to take me on?

EK: [Unzips the plaid onesie, baring his chest] Dissing Sarah Palin is so old school. I work for fucking OFA, and once joked that sex was better DURING the 9/11 attack. So fuck you, you homo!

TRDS: [Unintelligible] You little prick! [Jumps on EK]

EK: Stop! Stop! [Unintelligible] You’re ripping my onesie!

Camera Person: And … we’re on with MSNBC in 3 … 2… 1 …