Millionaire gay men Barrie and Tony Drewitt-Barlow narrowly escaped a gang rape, and then almost drowned in a flash flood before having a midnight orgy with their rescuers, after the Church of England ruled that priests will not be allowed to bless gay and lesbian weddings, or marry someone of the same sex themselves.
Less than 24 hours after the church’s announcement, the home of Britain’s most famous gay couple was vandalized by unknown thugs. Fleeing for their lives, Barrie and Tony drove their Range Rover Sport into a flash flood and had to be rescued by muscular local firefighters.
Police won’t say if they suspect French anti-gay protesters from the organization Manif Pour Tous, but the group has been traveling since last year’s protest in Paris, and agitators say they plan to “perpetuate the movement at a grassroots level.”
Police also won’t say if they suspect Colin Hart of the Coalition for Marriage, but Hart has lashed out at “the totalitarian forces of political correctness” before. “We warned Mr. Cameron this would happen, we told him he was making promises that he couldn’t possibly keep. He didn’t listen. He didn’t care. He’s the one who has created this mess.”
Hart fears that gay marriage laws, despite the church’s ruling, will force churches “to choose between stopping conducting weddings, or vicars, and priests defying the law and finding themselves languishing in the dock.”
“If I was a Sikh I could get married at the Gurdwara,” Tony countered, shivering in a blanket while getting a rubdown by a muscular firefighter. “Liberal Jews can marry in the Synagogue – just not the Christians. It upsets me because I want it so much – a big lavish ceremony, the whole works … I am still not getting what I want. I hope my priest does end up in jail. This attack by the Anti-Rich Occupy Homophobes is all the fault of the church.”
“The ruling by the church is like someone giving me a sweetie with the wrapper on and telling me to suck it,” said Barrie, as he fondled the fire hose of his rescuers.
“Yeah, suck it,” Tony said.
The rescue evolved into a midnight orgy, and someone brought out a Fucksaw. Through the grunting, the men could be heard complaining about the church.
When asked about the difference between a gang rape and an orgy, Barrie and Tony said, “not much, if you do it right.”