Monthly Archives: December 2013

Savage self love: My abortion should have been mandatory

I’m not right about everything, but I’m right about this: There’s too many goddamn people on the planet and we need to do something about it.

In my darker moments – and I thank my brilliant blowjob skills and the image of shitting in Sarah Palin’s mouth for keeping me on the path toward truth and light – I’m anti-choice. I think abortion should be mandatory for about 30 years. Especially for anyone named Palin.

Forget I said that. I’m really not a totalitarian monster who would force women under age 43 to abort their children. Okay, I’m not a totalitarian. I’m pro-choice. I believe that women – not people generally, that would be going too far – women should have the right to control their bodies. Forcing women to give birth against their will damages women.

Men are pigs and should be castrated. Hey! Hey! HEY! Before you get all up in my shit, I meant heterosexual men should be forcibly castrated, which would eliminate the need for forced abortions. Gay men are still pigs, but we’re generally safer than heteros, so we get a pass on the castration thing.

See, I’m not a totalitarian monster after all. I’m just a fucking brilliant tolerant gay person fighting for the equal rights of everyone. It’s just that some people – mainly gays and women, but mostly gays, and gays of color especially, but perhaps not bisexuals, and of course not all heteros, and absolutely not male hetero Republicans (who should all be killed, except my father) – are more equal than others, and I think it’s very important to remember that.

God that last paragraph was cathartic. It reminds me of where I started, so long ago. Once upon a time, I thought I was a heterosexual male, then I thought I was bisexual, until that little voice in my head said “yeah, right” and I emerged into my fully gay self. And it reminds me of the wonder we call life, which I too often forget. Why was I born? Was my mother forced to give birth to me? Did my arrival into the world damage my mother?

Oh, shit. My abortion should have been mandatory.

Have yourself a very Anderson Cooper Christmas ™

In the true spirit of Christmas, with a creative vision inspired by Anderson Cooper, The Real DanSavage* is proud – proud, I tell you – to announce a new line of cunnilingus-themed 2014 Christmas cards for your mom.

"Have yourself a cunnilingus Christmas / It may be your last/ Next year we may all be living in the past / Have yourself a cunnilingus Christmas / Pop that champagne cork / Next year we may all be living in New York."

“Have yourself a cunnilingus Christmas / It may be your last/ Next year we may all be living in the past / Have yourself a cunnilingus Christmas / Pop that champagne cork / Next year we may all be living in New York.”

Merry Christmas Mom!

With an image from Paul Avril, this card invites your mom into the world of ‘galante literature’ for Christmas 2014.

* Oh, for the sake of all that is profane, will I ever be able to cease printing this disclaimer? “The Real Dan Savage” is the publisher of this blog, and doesn’t discuss his mother’s cunnilingus habits. The “real” real Dan Savage has nothing to do with this blog, but can be found on Twitter @FakeDanSavage.

Jesus, you can’t even joke about cunnilingus on CNN…

The prudes are at it again. The blogger whose name shall not be typed noted my* appearance on CNN with Anderson Cooper and Andrew Sullivan:

We can only imagine what an old-fashioned Freudian analyst might say about Cooper, Savage and Sullivan sitting around laughing on national TV at Cooper [sic] mother’s sex life.

What is the fucking problem? It’s not as if Western Civilization is threatened by three gay men laughing on national TV about how much Anderson’s mother enjoyed cunnilingus. We all know Andrew’s mother enjoyed it. Hell, my mother probably enjoyed having her box chomped, so let me take this moment to apologize: I’m sorry I didn’t tell CNN’s viewers that my mother loved to have her slit licked.

And for all the prudes out there, think about this: Western Civilization might actually be SAVED by gay men who love to talk about their mothers’ oral sex habits on TV. Gay men around the world can now feel free to talk about their own moms on TV, something that has never happened in the history of the world. Anderson, Andrew and I are proud to be “pushing the envelope” (heh, get it?) of civil rights.

Imagine, if you can, what would have happened if we hadn’t shared that little joke. I can’t.

So lighten up, folks. One day, thanks to me and CNN, we’ll have a gay POTUS whose inauguration speech will mention her mother’s afternoon pussy delight. What a great day for freedom that will be. I can only hope she gives the speech in sight of the Washington Monument, and that Andrew, Anderson, and I, will be commentating for CNN, joking about Washington’s phallus. We’ll have Kathy Griffin as a guest, and she’ll share the inspiring story of how Martha’s insatiable craving for cunnilingus gave our first president the courage to finish off the Revolutionary War.

I’m sure Anderson will appreciate that. Who wouldn’t?

* The real real Dan Savage (known as @FakeDanSavage on Twitter) was Cooper’s guest on CNN. The Real Dan Savage, the stellar host of the Shit Gets Better blog, was somewhere else not talking about the cunnilingus habits of 85-year-old moms.

Not sad over GLAAD ‘butt hurt’

Evil Blogger Lady posts some Vicious Ugly Twisted Shit I disagree with. Therefore, I ordain that Evil Blogger Lady really is evil, and I command her to stop in the name of Shit Gets Better. How dare she co-opt our Pledge for such evil purposes? This calls for Action!

I’m not sad. I’m insanely fucking happy, which means that I’m just being myself (The Real Dan Savage, not to be confused with @FakeDanSavage, who’s the real real Dan Savage), and that I’m about to erupt with previously unseen levels of insanely bigoted happiness.

Evil Blogger Lady wrote: “GLAAD and the PC thought police get a lot of butt hurt over this one.” And Robert Stacy McCain (oh, great gay god of the underworld, protect me as I type the name which shall not be typed) repeated the vile phrase.

But despite my attention-grabbing headline, the real issue is that there is in fact no “PC thought police.” I mean, how dare she insinuate that anyone would even consider blocking a website, or censoring a TV show, just because someone said something politically incorrect? The very idea makes my foreskin crawl.

I agree with Piers Morgan: She’s a vile bigot, and the First Amendment shouldn’t protect vile bigots. Someone should shit in her mouth (see here, here and here, and possibly other places because I love that image), or make a cunnilingus joke about her mother on CNN.

Piers Morgan isn’t sad, either. We’re happy! Look deep into my eyes. Can’t you see the happiness just oozing out of my pupils?

Fake Dan Savage and Piers Morgan, happy as pigs in vile ugly twisted shit.

Fake Dan Savage and Piers Morgan, happy as pigs in vile ugly twisted shit.

Ethan Krupp interviews Dan Savage

Ethan Krupp, the hit star of the Pajama Boy infomercials for the Affordable Care Act, recently sat down with The Real Dan Savage (not to be confused with Fake Dan Savage, who is the “real” real Dan Savage – see how I did that?). Here’s a transcript of the interview.

Ethan Krupp: Fuck, I’m a liberal fuck.

The Real Dan Savage: I’m a liberal fuck, too.

EK: We should fuck.

[The Real Dan Savage sits on Krupp’s lap. Krupp pushes him off.]

EK: Wait! That was just a metaphor. I really like having a beautiful woman on my arm as I stride across campus.

TRDS: That’s fine. Who am I to judge your usage of women for personal aggrandizement? Maybe we should just organize a liberal fuck-fest instead.

EK: Well, the two activities aren’t mutually exclusive. But didn’t we already do that with ObamaCare?

TRDS: Good one, Ethan. So you’re distancing yourself from Obama, too?

EK:  Of course not. I have no morals.

TRDS: Preach it, brother!

EK: Oh, it looks like the cameras are finally ready. [To the camera] Are you assholes ready? My cocoa is cold, and these pj’s are riding up. Oh, you think that’s funny? Well, fuck you. I will attack you. [To TRDS] You like how I did that?

TRDS: You’re a vagina, not that that’s a bad thing. But I triple-dog-dare you to say that on camera. Hell, I used the word cunnilingus on Anderson Cooper’s show the other day.

EK: I saw that! That was awesome! [Puts up a hand for a high-five, which TRDS ignores] But did Anderson tell you that I was the guy who performed the cunnilingus on his 85-year-old mother? I am the fucking Nijinsky of cunnilingus!

TRDS: Fuck yeah! [Puts up a hand for a high-five, which EK ignores] Oh! Is that how it is? I’m here because YOU asked ME … and you ignore my high-five?

EK: [Puts up his hand for a high-five] Sorry. You’re absolutely right. By the way, who’s Nijinsky?

TRDS: [Ignores the lame high-five attempt by EK] Suffice it to say that you will pay for your cunnilingus crimes. You’ll be arrested by Republicans, who will deny you the right to perform your amazing cunnilingus skills. You’ll die in Switzerland, while your family witnesses your excruciating decline into mental illness, having never performed cunnilingus again.

EK: What the fuck?

TRDS: You’re the one who asked. What the fuck did you ask me here for?

EK: Jesus, you’re an asshole.

TRDS: Hey, you fuck with the wrong asshole and you see what happens.

EK: Yolo.

TRDS: What the fuck does that mean?

EK: How old are you, anyway? Did you fight in World War II? [EK tries out the smirk that won him such fame in the Pajama Boy infomercial]

TRDS: [Sits up on the edge of his chair and flexes] Hey! I doubled down on Palin with the whole shit-in-your mouth thing that got Martin Bashir fired! You want to take me on?

EK: [Unzips the plaid onesie, baring his chest] Dissing Sarah Palin is so old school. I work for fucking OFA, and once joked that sex was better DURING the 9/11 attack. So fuck you, you homo!

TRDS: [Unintelligible] You little prick! [Jumps on EK]

EK: Stop! Stop! [Unintelligible] You’re ripping my onesie!

Camera Person: And … we’re on with MSNBC in 3 … 2… 1 …

Good Grief and Great Balls of Fire

Spewing some Truly Vicious Ugly Twisted Shit ™, while pretending to read a book I disagree with, while baking Christmas cookies for my family, while carving myself a Mayan Death Whistle, while complaining that some people like guns.

There’s probably something I should come clean about: I should have burned Sarah Palin’s book that I didn’t read but reviewed anyway. It’s not that I don’t believe in burning books I hate. I just couldn’t pass up the opportunity to fulfill the primary mission of my life – “spewing better shit, better hate, and better intolerance as I battle against ‘hate’ and ‘intolerance’ whenever I see it” ™.

There’s something else I should come clean about, too. I would have burned the damn book, Good Tidings and Great JoyProtecting the Heart of Christmas, if I’d been able to find it. But I threw a hissy fit, defenestrated the book, quickly carved myself a Mayan whistle so I could find my way back after the death ritual, and blinded myself with hydrogen peroxide in a neoliberal paroxysm of hate.

Whew! I feel better  now. Damn, I’m a fucking Mayan drama queen.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. Not only did I not read Sarah Palin’s book, I carted it around with me for weeks while not reading it. I took it to work, to bars in four states, to three different gyms, on six airline flights, and to a kink-world-famous dungeon in San Francisco where a few hundred of my closest friends and I fucked Palin’s book into submission.

See how tolerant I am?

I’m so tolerant that I started to argue with Palin before reading even one page of the book. But it’s her fault. She’s a troll. And trolls make me mad, especially when trolls buy guns for Christmas so they can hunt wild animals on the Alaskan tundra.

That’s right. Sarah Palin, who lives 4,400 miles from Newtown, Connecticut, bought a “powerful gun” for her husband, and … Jesus Fucking Christ … I’m comparing that to the elementary school shooting where 20 children were killed by a deranged man who hated his mother.

God aren’t my balls wonderful? They’re great hairless fucking blazing balls of fire. And you can’t touch them, Sarah! Only other men with hairless balls can touch them, fondle them, or teabag them.

Which reminds me how much I hate the fucking Teabaggers, but don’t blame me. They’re trolls. Trolls who make me mad…

Stop getting me off subject, you fucking teabaggers! I’m not like you! I’m tolerant!  So tolerant that I can call Sarah Palin a “shit-talking pimp who makes money playing to the carefully cultivated persecution complexes of conservative Christian rubes who wouldn’t know what religious persecution was if it sat on their faces and shit in their mouths” and still be invited on by Anderson Cooper to share a good cunnilingus joke on the evening news.

God, I’m a self-righteous, fatherfucking, persecuted gay drama queen. I feel like Christ himself, hanging on the cross, life bleeding out of me, after carrying a bushel of used condoms to Stonewall.

Christians don’t know from persecution. It’s not like they were persecuted for years, for centuries, for motherfucking millennia, mainly by people of other faiths. Christians weren’t burned at the stake, arrested, imprisoned, thrown to the lions, crucified, had their children sold into slavery, and on and on and on.

No. Gays – and possibly Jews, although I don’t personally know any Jews who have been persecuted, so their persecution might not measure up to my own – know persecution. And, by the way, persecution of gay people by people of faith continues: Gay sex was recriminalized in India last week after a coalition of Muslim and Christian organizations, among others, asked the Indian Supreme Court to overturn a lower court ruling that had legalized consensual gay sex.

People will go to prison, and I blame Sarah Palin. Her gay-persecuting Christian faith has such intercontinental mojo that it can influence the Indian Supreme Court, 6,030 miles away.

So happy fucking holidays to you, Sarah. I hope you choke on my balls of cinnamon-flavored fire.*

God, I’m an uber-tolerant gay person.

* Metaphorically, of course, since … well … didn’t you read the whole fucking blog post, you fucking Walmart-shopping, Indian-Supreme-Court-influencing, great-tit-loving Christian-teabagging motherfuckers?