Ethan Krupp, the hit star of the Pajama Boy infomercials for the Affordable Care Act, recently sat down with The Real Dan Savage (not to be confused with Fake Dan Savage, who is the “real” real Dan Savage – see how I did that?). Here’s a transcript of the interview.
Ethan Krupp: Fuck, I’m a liberal fuck.
The Real Dan Savage: I’m a liberal fuck, too.
EK: We should fuck.
[The Real Dan Savage sits on Krupp’s lap. Krupp pushes him off.]
EK: Wait! That was just a metaphor. I really like having a beautiful woman on my arm as I stride across campus.
TRDS: That’s fine. Who am I to judge your usage of women for personal aggrandizement? Maybe we should just organize a liberal fuck-fest instead.
EK: Well, the two activities aren’t mutually exclusive. But didn’t we already do that with ObamaCare?
TRDS: Good one, Ethan. So you’re distancing yourself from Obama, too?
EK: Of course not. I have no morals.
TRDS: Preach it, brother!
EK: Oh, it looks like the cameras are finally ready. [To the camera] Are you assholes ready? My cocoa is cold, and these pj’s are riding up. Oh, you think that’s funny? Well, fuck you. I will attack you. [To TRDS] You like how I did that?
TRDS: You’re a vagina, not that that’s a bad thing. But I triple-dog-dare you to say that on camera. Hell, I used the word cunnilingus on Anderson Cooper’s show the other day.
EK: I saw that! That was awesome! [Puts up a hand for a high-five, which TRDS ignores] But did Anderson tell you that I was the guy who performed the cunnilingus on his 85-year-old mother? I am the fucking Nijinsky of cunnilingus!
TRDS: Fuck yeah! [Puts up a hand for a high-five, which EK ignores] Oh! Is that how it is? I’m here because YOU asked ME … and you ignore my high-five?
EK: [Puts up his hand for a high-five] Sorry. You’re absolutely right. By the way, who’s Nijinsky?
TRDS: [Ignores the lame high-five attempt by EK] Suffice it to say that you will pay for your cunnilingus crimes. You’ll be arrested by Republicans, who will deny you the right to perform your amazing cunnilingus skills. You’ll die in Switzerland, while your family witnesses your excruciating decline into mental illness, having never performed cunnilingus again.
EK: What the fuck?
TRDS: You’re the one who asked. What the fuck did you ask me here for?
EK: Jesus, you’re an asshole.
TRDS: Hey, you fuck with the wrong asshole and you see what happens.
TRDS: What the fuck does that mean?
EK: How old are you, anyway? Did you fight in World War II? [EK tries out the smirk that won him such fame in the Pajama Boy infomercial]
TRDS: [Sits up on the edge of his chair and flexes] Hey! I doubled down on Palin with the whole shit-in-your mouth thing that got Martin Bashir fired! You want to take me on?
EK: [Unzips the plaid onesie, baring his chest] Dissing Sarah Palin is so old school. I work for fucking OFA, and once joked that sex was better DURING the 9/11 attack. So fuck you, you homo!
TRDS: [Unintelligible] You little prick! [Jumps on EK]
EK: Stop! Stop! [Unintelligible] You’re ripping my onesie!
Camera Person: And … we’re on with MSNBC in 3 … 2… 1 …