Category Archives: Christmas

I love Alec Baldwin more than Anderson Cooper and the NFL combined

Blowjobs don't make up for everything

Blowjobs don’t make up for everything

I love Anderson Cooper because he’s gay. But I love Alec Baldwin more because he’s not a sellout. Blowjobs don’t make up for everything.

Anderson Cooper is a media whore. Not to mention a card-carrying member of the Gay Department of Justice. And the new Gay Sheriff.

Yeah, I know my alter-ego called Baldwin a “homophobic bigot” awhile back. (Don’t hate us, Alec, that was just the Great Disappointment talking.) But we all have to move forward, and the NFL debate over the N-word has caused me to reconsider.

The NFL is expected to enforce a 15-yard penalty when the N-word is used on the field of play. But that could be difficult, some players say.

“I think it’s going to be really tough to legislate this rule, to find a way to penalize everyone who uses this word,” Ryan Clark, a Pittsburgh Steelers safety who’s spent 12 years in the league, told ESPN’s Bob Ley during an “Outside The Lines” special report. “And it’s not going to be white players using it toward black players. Most of the time you hear it, it’s black players using the word.”

Black people, says rap/TV star Common, have taken ownership of the word.

“We took it inside our house and made it our own, and now we brought it back out to the world … but unfortunately some people don’t understand it. They shouldn’t use it. So we got to make them aware. No. You can’t use this word. This is something that’s off limits to you.”

I’m supposed to agree. And, by extension, I’m supposed to agree that the words “cock-sucking faggot” are off limits to anyone who isn’t gay.

Strangely enough, I find myself agreeing with Geraldo Rivera.

“I have to say. You talk about fundamentalism in terms of Christianity. I think that Alec Baldwin, for instance, was drummed off MSNBC by fundamentalist gay activists. … and I think Alec Baldwin was absolutely right to criticize people who were condemning him. … Sean, Baldwin and I all grew up within ten miles of each other. And when we were growing up, especially in my era, those comments were commonplace. You have to give people some slack …”

Common and Rivera are essentially saying the same thing: They grew up with certain words, they own those words, and they should be allowed to use those words without being censored. (Well, except that Common takes the next step and wants to censor others in the name of freedom of speech … but I’ll cut him some slack there.)

Similarly, I should be able to call Sarah Palin a “shit-talking pimp who makes money playing to the carefully cultivated persecution complexes of conservative Christian rubes who wouldn’t know what religious persecution was if it sat on their faces and shit in their mouths” … even if — or perhaps especially because — I’m not a shit-talking pimp, not a Christian rube, don’t persecute others, and don’t shit in other people’s mouths.

See what I mean? That’s why I love Alec Baldwin. We’re both iconoclasts. Common and the rest of the black community should just let me go down on them.

As for Louis Farrakhan, he can blow me.

Shit. I need a blowjob. Maybe Kathy is available. Oh. Before I forget, get your Very Anderson Cooper Christmas Cards before I decide to become a sellout. After that, I can’t guarantee their availability.

Make sure to get your Very Anderson Cooper Christmas card before they sell out!

Make sure to get your Very Anderson Cooper Christmas card before they sell out!


Have yourself a very Anderson Cooper Christmas ™

In the true spirit of Christmas, with a creative vision inspired by Anderson Cooper, The Real DanSavage* is proud – proud, I tell you – to announce a new line of cunnilingus-themed 2014 Christmas cards for your mom.

"Have yourself a cunnilingus Christmas / It may be your last/ Next year we may all be living in the past / Have yourself a cunnilingus Christmas / Pop that champagne cork / Next year we may all be living in New York."

“Have yourself a cunnilingus Christmas / It may be your last/ Next year we may all be living in the past / Have yourself a cunnilingus Christmas / Pop that champagne cork / Next year we may all be living in New York.”

Merry Christmas Mom!

With an image from Paul Avril, this card invites your mom into the world of ‘galante literature’ for Christmas 2014.

* Oh, for the sake of all that is profane, will I ever be able to cease printing this disclaimer? “The Real Dan Savage” is the publisher of this blog, and doesn’t discuss his mother’s cunnilingus habits. The “real” real Dan Savage has nothing to do with this blog, but can be found on Twitter @FakeDanSavage.


Good Grief and Great Balls of Fire

Spewing some Truly Vicious Ugly Twisted Shit ™, while pretending to read a book I disagree with, while baking Christmas cookies for my family, while carving myself a Mayan Death Whistle, while complaining that some people like guns.

There’s probably something I should come clean about: I should have burned Sarah Palin’s book that I didn’t read but reviewed anyway. It’s not that I don’t believe in burning books I hate. I just couldn’t pass up the opportunity to fulfill the primary mission of my life – “spewing better shit, better hate, and better intolerance as I battle against ‘hate’ and ‘intolerance’ whenever I see it” ™.

There’s something else I should come clean about, too. I would have burned the damn book, Good Tidings and Great JoyProtecting the Heart of Christmas, if I’d been able to find it. But I threw a hissy fit, defenestrated the book, quickly carved myself a Mayan whistle so I could find my way back after the death ritual, and blinded myself with hydrogen peroxide in a neoliberal paroxysm of hate.

Whew! I feel better  now. Damn, I’m a fucking Mayan drama queen.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. Not only did I not read Sarah Palin’s book, I carted it around with me for weeks while not reading it. I took it to work, to bars in four states, to three different gyms, on six airline flights, and to a kink-world-famous dungeon in San Francisco where a few hundred of my closest friends and I fucked Palin’s book into submission.

See how tolerant I am?

I’m so tolerant that I started to argue with Palin before reading even one page of the book. But it’s her fault. She’s a troll. And trolls make me mad, especially when trolls buy guns for Christmas so they can hunt wild animals on the Alaskan tundra.

That’s right. Sarah Palin, who lives 4,400 miles from Newtown, Connecticut, bought a “powerful gun” for her husband, and … Jesus Fucking Christ … I’m comparing that to the elementary school shooting where 20 children were killed by a deranged man who hated his mother.

God aren’t my balls wonderful? They’re great hairless fucking blazing balls of fire. And you can’t touch them, Sarah! Only other men with hairless balls can touch them, fondle them, or teabag them.

Which reminds me how much I hate the fucking Teabaggers, but don’t blame me. They’re trolls. Trolls who make me mad…

Stop getting me off subject, you fucking teabaggers! I’m not like you! I’m tolerant!  So tolerant that I can call Sarah Palin a “shit-talking pimp who makes money playing to the carefully cultivated persecution complexes of conservative Christian rubes who wouldn’t know what religious persecution was if it sat on their faces and shit in their mouths” and still be invited on by Anderson Cooper to share a good cunnilingus joke on the evening news.

God, I’m a self-righteous, fatherfucking, persecuted gay drama queen. I feel like Christ himself, hanging on the cross, life bleeding out of me, after carrying a bushel of used condoms to Stonewall.

Christians don’t know from persecution. It’s not like they were persecuted for years, for centuries, for motherfucking millennia, mainly by people of other faiths. Christians weren’t burned at the stake, arrested, imprisoned, thrown to the lions, crucified, had their children sold into slavery, and on and on and on.

No. Gays – and possibly Jews, although I don’t personally know any Jews who have been persecuted, so their persecution might not measure up to my own – know persecution. And, by the way, persecution of gay people by people of faith continues: Gay sex was recriminalized in India last week after a coalition of Muslim and Christian organizations, among others, asked the Indian Supreme Court to overturn a lower court ruling that had legalized consensual gay sex.

People will go to prison, and I blame Sarah Palin. Her gay-persecuting Christian faith has such intercontinental mojo that it can influence the Indian Supreme Court, 6,030 miles away.

So happy fucking holidays to you, Sarah. I hope you choke on my balls of cinnamon-flavored fire.*

God, I’m an uber-tolerant gay person.

* Metaphorically, of course, since … well … didn’t you read the whole fucking blog post, you fucking Walmart-shopping, Indian-Supreme-Court-influencing, great-tit-loving Christian-teabagging motherfuckers?