Monthly Archives: March 2014

Good Question

If We Can Pick Our Gender, Can We Pick Our Age? Our Race?

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My heteronormative patriarch is guilty. Not me.

I reject your heteronormative patriarchal definition of murder!

I reject your heteronormative patriarchal definition of murder!

Dear RealDanSavage,

I’m a transgender woman being charged with the murders of several prostitutes more than 20 years ago in Spokane. I didn’t do it. Doug did. Please help me.

Donna Not Doug

Dear Donna,

You are trans*woman! I hear you roar! Pay no attention to intolerant, homophobic, racist, misogynist a-holes with an iPhone and a tenth grade education who can’t see beyond the rigid social constructions of masculinity and femininity where people exist in binary pairs.

If you were Doug back then, and you’re Donna today, then Donna didn’t do it. You were Dominant then, and now you’re Submissive. You were the Penetrator, and now you’re being Penetrated.

Seriously, though, you should lube up for some serious Penetrating, because you’re probably headed for the Big House where The Heteronormative Patriarchy is large and in charge.

Unless you follow my lawyer’s advice and plead not guilty by reason of insanity.


Hell freezes over as Fred Phelps arrives

Poor FakeDanSavage. The “social cons” he loves to hate actually agree with him. It must be hard to see hell freezing over from your front porch.

FakeDanSavage looks for a scolding.

FakeDaSavage speaks.

Facebook

Liberals and conservatives agree: Fred Phelps is going to hell.

Mediaite_Phelps


Who else deserves to die, and how can I help? :)

The news that Fred Phelps is dying brought so much joy to my heart that I’ve created a short list of other people who deserve to die.*

  • Republicans, with special circumstances for Sarah Palin and her evil spawn. I’m thinking wolves.
  • Christians. Crucifixion for sure.
  • Russians, especially Vladimir Putin. Bear baiting.
  • Conservative talk show hosts. Death by waterboarding.

Haters, all of them. If we’re ever going to have a world free of hate, we need to kill the haters. It’s the only way to achieve transhumanity.

* RealDanSavage reserves the right to change this list without prior notice (and looks forward to doing so). By reading this list, you agree to kill a few haters yourself.


Greek god compels transgender student to commit hate crime

The Earth, or the Fight of Heracles and Antaeus, 1819, by Auguste Couder

The Earth, or the Fight of Heracles and Antaeus, 1819, by Auguste Couder

The name Hercules is enough to trigger a raging hard-on, or fears of epic gang rapes by giants. Or both, if you’re a savage cisgender gay male like me.

In Hercules, California, police were recently called in to investigate a hate crime after a transgender student alleged that he’d been sexually assaulted in the boys’ bathroom at Hercules High School. (Where is the Hydra when you need her to guard the underworld?)

The report turned out to be a hoax.

I know us gay men supposed to have our cocks in line when talking about shit like this, but something (maybe its my latent Catholicism, but straight up honesty is also a suspect) tells me to call bullshit on Carolyn Laub, executive director of the Gay-Straight Alliance Network.

“Even if this particular story isn’t true,” she told the press, “the school’s response, to put in place plans for bringing the community together and addressing school safety and climate, is a good outcome.”

That’s like saying, “Even if Matthew Shepard was murdered by his gay drug-dealing lover after a five-day meth bender, it was good for us to believe a lie for fifteen long years, because that lie helped us tear down a culture we hated and build another in its place.”

Hmm. I hadn’t really thought of it that way until writing those words, but I’m right. The lie of Shepard’s murder did turn out pretty well for us. Never mind, Carolyn, I forgive you.

We don’t know why the student snapped, and told police he was “beaten and sexually assaulted” by three heterosexual boys in the school bathroom, but we might start with the name of the school.

The school in question is named after the divine Greek hero Heracles who, among other things: a) while still a baby, strangled a snake sent to kill him; b) killed a monstrous lion that was impervious to mortal weapons; c) slew the many-headed Hydra, which guarded the underworld and was bred by the goddess Hera to kill him; and d) stole the magical girdle of Hippolyta, the Queen of the Amazons, which was given to her by her father Ares, the god of war.

Fuck. My dick gets hard just thinking about it. But I’m not fifteen, and I didn’t get assaulted at a school named after a Greek god who murdered his own wife and children in a fit of rage, and then paid for his sin with the most extreme penance known to literature.

Yeah, the transgender teen lied. No, there was no assault. Yes, if a straight dude had falsely accused three gay boys of the same thing, we’d be talking prison time. But we can still work it to our advantage by shifting blame to Western Civilization. I blame Heracles.