Monthly Archives: January 2014

Obama should kill Little Sisters of the Poor with pack of hungry dogs

Last week the web was all atwitter with the news that Kim Jong Un had killed his uncle with a pack of ravenous dogs. Now we learn the story is most likely a hoax.

That’s too bad.

You see, power is the ultimate aphrodisiac, and feeding anyone to a pack of dogs is a powerful act. Make it a live family member and my dick comes to attention. It makes me want to give Un one of my epic blowjobs. I mean, look at the guy. He’s practically begging for it.

Kim wants my lips around his dick. I can tell.

Kim wants my lips around his dick. I can tell.

Back here in the U.S. an obscure sect of old nuns who care for other old people had the temerity to challenge the Law of the Land and win.

That must not stand, and it looks like my black brother in the White House is playing strongman.

The Obama administration told the Supreme Court that nuns running an elder-care facility should have to provide “free” abortion drugs through their health-insurance plan.

But maybe not strong enough.

There is hope, though, that your hard-earned pay won’t be wasted on absurdities like this much longer. Religious freedom is so embedded in American law that Obamacare has suffered court orders against its mandate in 53 of 60 rulings so far.

It’s no secret that I hate real religion. (I like fake religion, though, so don’t get your knickers in a twist.) We almost managed to eliminate it from the public square, and then came Obamacare. Don’t get me wrong: I love taxpayer-funded healthcare for all. How my man Barack managed to fuck it up, I don’t know, but we need to fight back.

In the first wave of the abortion-pill-mandate debate, President Obama promised Christian leaders that the rule would exempt religious groups. But the abortion extremists had their way and the White House “evolved” on the issue. The 2012 election year “solution” was to tell religious groups they would, in the words of Cardinal Dolan, get an extra year delay in order to “figure out how to violate [their] consciences.”

Then the Obama administration walked into court against religious families who earn a living in business. It insisted that those job-creating families don’t possess religious freedom. The government has deemed the world of business and healthcare “secular,” where religion is not allowed.

You’re god-damned right the world is secular! No one has the right to force their agenda on anyone else!

But here come these nuns trying to fuck it all up. And now they have to pay.

Barack, you know dogs, so here’s the plan: Starve Bo and Sunny for the next couple weeks. Then invite the Little Sisters over for a Nun Summit. It’ll look like an accident.

Sic 'em Bo!

Sic ’em Bo!

Psychopaths who fuck in axial orientation with the earth’s magnetic field

Either I’m a psychopath or I just play one on TV – but I took the test and scored a 91%. Here’s what they say about me:

You can play hardball with the best of them! You know what you want and are not afraid to go for it – even if it means bending the rules occasionally and putting a few noses out of joint on the way. Nothing fazes you. You are decisive, self-confident and pretty much up for anything. You are a ‘means-to-an-end’ person. For you, it’s not necessarily a matter of right or wrong, but of what gets the job done. ‘Bring it on’ is your mantra, but to help those around you keep their heads, you should learn some tricks to help you temper your self-satisfying tendencies…

That sounds about right.

Fuck! How did I manage to score higher than Margaret Thatcher?!

Fuck! How did I manage to score higher than Margaret Thatcher?!

According to the online study, “the most psychopathic people” prefer fish for pets and the least prefer cats. I don’t know where dogs figure into the spectrum, but after decades of fucking, I’ve discovered that haptic memory figures prominently in my preferred penile grip and that I prefer to fuck in axial orientation with the earth’s magnetic field. I think that should lower my score by at least ten points.

Should I be afraid of transphobic radfems who fear PIV?

Fake Dan Savage has said he’s “afraid of some Muslims … some Christians, some Jews, some men, some women … and many, many homosexuals too.” But he’s not afraid of trans people and is not trans phobic.

Which makes me wonder if I/he should be afraid of radical feminists who: a) think transwomen are men; b) are afraid of death threats from transwomen; c) think that all men who use their penises during sex are rapists; and d) believe that transgender activists are part of the patriarchy and must be eliminated from “female spaces.”

Great flaming nutsacks of fire! If Fake Dan Savage (who’s the real gay Dan Savage) thinks HE has it rough, he should walk a mile in the shoes of Real Dan Savage (who’s the fake gay Dan Savage) and try to make sense of a splintering Gay Community that’s arguing whether women pretending to be men are part of the oppressive homophobic patriarchy.

Should I be afraid of my husband, who loves to put his penis in my ass (PIA)? Is that rape? What about PIM? Or how about PBT, PBF and PIH? Should we all be afraid of consensual handjob rape now?

Maybe I should be afraid of Kevin Williamson. He insists that Bradley Manning is not a woman, notes that Dennis “Stalking Cat” Avner committed suicide in 2012 after trying to become a female tiger, and argues that sex-reassignment surgery and Body Identity Integrity Disorder are signs of “the intellectual degradation of our times.”

As with the invention of “personhood” in the abortion debate, we have created a metaphysical category — “identity” — in order to avoid talking about physical reality. In the case of sex-reassignment surgery, it is gender identity; in the case of those who want their left legs removed, it is body-integrity identity. The latter may seem shocking and exotic, but the former is no more defensible. But the question of sex reassignment is linked rhetorically and politically to the question of gay rights, though homosexuality is an entirely distinct and separate phenomenon under the emotional shadow of civil rights. It is a measure of the intellectual degradation of our times that the physical reality of these cases is considered, if it is considered at all, a distant second to the subjective impressions of people who are, not to put too fine a point on it, mentally ill and in need of treatment.

Or perhaps I should be afraid of Robert Stacy McCain. (If there is a God, the answer is no.) His post Mental Illness and Radical Feminism quotes “queer feminist” Sarah Alcid and concludes thus:

“Heteronormativity and gender roles also rear their ugly heads on Valentine’s Day. Gifts for ‘him’ or ‘her’ are clearly divided and marked and it’s almost impossible to find cards that represent queer couples. … It’s not hard to see why Valentine’s Day is problematic for many feminists. Celebrated traditionally, Valentine’s Day magnifies many of the very systems of domination that we work to critique and dismantle.”

Anyone who is not a feminist would describe this as the word-salad gibberish of a lunatic, but because feminism has become so commonplace, fewer people have the sanity necessary to recognize it for the madness it actually is, and it is now widely considered “hate” to disagree with these baby-killing lesbian man-haters.

If I’m afraid of some of this, does that make me tigerphobic, otherphobic, guyophobic, girlophobic, heterophobic, homophobic, realdansavagephobic, and radfemantitransphobic as well?

Murdered lesbian prisoner nuns would be exempt from Obamacare

So, the Little Sisters of the Poor want an exemption from Obamacare, do they? Someone has already suggested one way of making that happen: organize the nuns into a union.

That doesn’t go far enough. The nuns need to organize a union, come out as lesbians, deny their faith, get themselves arrested, and rename their order as the Poor Little Sisters of the Big House. Then they’d qualify for at least one of these exemptions:

people who can’t afford coverage, even with a subsidy; people with income levels too low to require filing a federal tax return; members of certain Indian tribes; people who can claim a hardship; people who will have a short gap in their coverage;  members of certain religious groups that conscientiously oppose insurance benefit programs (e.g., the Amish); members of a “health care sharing ministry”; people in prison; and people who are not lawfully in the United States.

I’m not kidding. Nuns are just criminals anyway. They might as well make it official.

But maybe even THAT doesn’t go far enough. In my book, having a “moral objection to facilitating contraception, sterilization, and abortion” is a hanging offense.

If Obama would just have the nuns killed, they could go live in heaven where everyone gets free healthcare. We would no longer be forced to listen to their incessant whining about Obama’s “absurd new low.” They would get what they’ve always wanted. And America would finally be on its way toward the eradication of religion.

You think Obama has an ideological obsession? You ain’t seen nothin’ yet.

How’s that for a dangerous idea?

Barney Frank, Humanist of the Year, to receive on-stage blowjob at award ceremony

Barney Frank will receive a blowjob from The Real Dan Savage at the 73rd American Humanist Association's 2014 Annual Conference.

Barney Frank will receive a blowjob from The Real Dan Savage at the 73rd American Humanist Association’s 2014 Annual Conference.

I’ll be giving Barney Frank one of my epic blowjobs during the 73rd AHA Annual Conference, June 6-9, 2014 in Philadelphia, PA. You should come.

My husband won’t mind. He knows that monogamy can cause boredom, despair, lack of variety, sexual death and being taken for granted. (I taught him to be more realistic about marriage.)

Like me, Frank is a maverick who never gets bored. I mean, this is the dude who – as a sitting Congressmanperson – paid a gay prostitute for sex, invited him home, and allowed the man-killer to run a brothel out of his living room.

I thought I had great flaming balls of fire. I can’t wait to blow him.

But Frank wasn’t done after that. He went on to bigger and better things – he “helped caused an economic calamity that wiped out the life savings of millions of people he claimed to represent.”

Both Barney and Chris Dodd, his Senate counterpart, enjoyed the largesse and looked the other way–and worse. Frank secured a job at Fannie-Mae for his partner. Dodd received a sweetheart loan from the mega-sleazy Angelo Mozilo, the scoundrel in charge of Countrywide Mortgages. Neither of them took the massive Fannie and Freddie housing abuses seriously enough to investigate.

“Enjoyed the largesse and looked the other way.” He won’t be able to look away when I get busy enjoying HIS largesse. “Mega-sleazy.” Ooooh, Barney, talk dirty to me!

Damn! No wonder he’s getting the Humanist of the Year Award!

What I can’t figure out is why Frank didn’t blow me when I got the award in 2013.

Oh, well. I’m young, and there’s still hope that I’ll be as great as Frank some day. He reminds me of a smart, tough, old, grandfather I’d like to blow. Randy yet stern.

American Nausea

This book review? The one you’re looking at right now? There’s something I should probably come clean about. Everything I wrote in my latest book was regurgitated.


What? You were expecting more? Fuck you!

Oh, and by the way, the penis is outside the body. (Just in case you don’t read my regular sex advice column and didn’t know.)