Category Archives: Abortion

What’s the best age to euthanize stupid heterosexual women?

It’s impossible to open your web browser these days without seeing absurd articles written by stupid fucks. I should know.

Take Erin Gloria Ryan, for instance, writing over at Jezebel about “the best age to have an abortion.” Her conclusion? Age 25.

Not age 27-30, which, according to Ryan, is her own demographic and the beginning of sexual death because “who knows when you’ll find another guy willing to repeatedly fuck your aging-out-of-online-dating carcass.”

If you can’t find one, Erin, maybe something’s wrong with you. My guy repeatedly fucks my aging carcass — at least on the days when I’m not repeatedly fucking another guy’s aging carcass — and I’m married!

If you are getting repeatedly fucked, Erin, then you’re just a snarky bitch whose “carcass” remains undiminished by childbirth. And if you haven’t been sterilized, then I hope your repeated fucking occurs in a county which has an abortion clinic — because the rest of humanity would likely prefer to euthanize itself rather than support Erin Gloria Ryan Jr.

So, what is the best age to euthanize stupid heterosexual women? If I remembered how to use my euthanatic opioids, I wouldn’t be asking this question. I’d be out there kevorking women like Ryan. But here goes:

  • Under 18: Yes
  • 18-23: Yes
  • 24-27: Yes
  • 27-30: Yes
  • 30-34: Yes
  • 35-39: Yes
  • After 40: Yes

Taking into account the stupidity of some heterosexual women at any age, I’d say that any age is right for euthanasia. Disagree? Fuck you.


Obama should kill Little Sisters of the Poor with pack of hungry dogs

Last week the web was all atwitter with the news that Kim Jong Un had killed his uncle with a pack of ravenous dogs. Now we learn the story is most likely a hoax.

That’s too bad.

You see, power is the ultimate aphrodisiac, and feeding anyone to a pack of dogs is a powerful act. Make it a live family member and my dick comes to attention. It makes me want to give Un one of my epic blowjobs. I mean, look at the guy. He’s practically begging for it.

Kim wants my lips around his dick. I can tell.

Kim wants my lips around his dick. I can tell.

Back here in the U.S. an obscure sect of old nuns who care for other old people had the temerity to challenge the Law of the Land and win.

That must not stand, and it looks like my black brother in the White House is playing strongman.

The Obama administration told the Supreme Court that nuns running an elder-care facility should have to provide “free” abortion drugs through their health-insurance plan.

But maybe not strong enough.

There is hope, though, that your hard-earned pay won’t be wasted on absurdities like this much longer. Religious freedom is so embedded in American law that Obamacare has suffered court orders against its mandate in 53 of 60 rulings so far.

It’s no secret that I hate real religion. (I like fake religion, though, so don’t get your knickers in a twist.) We almost managed to eliminate it from the public square, and then came Obamacare. Don’t get me wrong: I love taxpayer-funded healthcare for all. How my man Barack managed to fuck it up, I don’t know, but we need to fight back.

In the first wave of the abortion-pill-mandate debate, President Obama promised Christian leaders that the rule would exempt religious groups. But the abortion extremists had their way and the White House “evolved” on the issue. The 2012 election year “solution” was to tell religious groups they would, in the words of Cardinal Dolan, get an extra year delay in order to “figure out how to violate [their] consciences.”

Then the Obama administration walked into court against religious families who earn a living in business. It insisted that those job-creating families don’t possess religious freedom. The government has deemed the world of business and healthcare “secular,” where religion is not allowed.

You’re god-damned right the world is secular! No one has the right to force their agenda on anyone else!

But here come these nuns trying to fuck it all up. And now they have to pay.

Barack, you know dogs, so here’s the plan: Starve Bo and Sunny for the next couple weeks. Then invite the Little Sisters over for a Nun Summit. It’ll look like an accident.

Sic 'em Bo!

Sic ’em Bo!


Murdered lesbian prisoner nuns would be exempt from Obamacare

So, the Little Sisters of the Poor want an exemption from Obamacare, do they? Someone has already suggested one way of making that happen: organize the nuns into a union.

That doesn’t go far enough. The nuns need to organize a union, come out as lesbians, deny their faith, get themselves arrested, and rename their order as the Poor Little Sisters of the Big House. Then they’d qualify for at least one of these exemptions:

people who can’t afford coverage, even with a subsidy; people with income levels too low to require filing a federal tax return; members of certain Indian tribes; people who can claim a hardship; people who will have a short gap in their coverage;  members of certain religious groups that conscientiously oppose insurance benefit programs (e.g., the Amish); members of a “health care sharing ministry”; people in prison; and people who are not lawfully in the United States.

I’m not kidding. Nuns are just criminals anyway. They might as well make it official.

But maybe even THAT doesn’t go far enough. In my book, having a “moral objection to facilitating contraception, sterilization, and abortion” is a hanging offense.

If Obama would just have the nuns killed, they could go live in heaven where everyone gets free healthcare. We would no longer be forced to listen to their incessant whining about Obama’s “absurd new low.” They would get what they’ve always wanted. And America would finally be on its way toward the eradication of religion.

You think Obama has an ideological obsession? You ain’t seen nothin’ yet.

How’s that for a dangerous idea?


Savage self love: My abortion should have been mandatory

I’m not right about everything, but I’m right about this: There’s too many goddamn people on the planet and we need to do something about it.

In my darker moments – and I thank my brilliant blowjob skills and the image of shitting in Sarah Palin’s mouth for keeping me on the path toward truth and light – I’m anti-choice. I think abortion should be mandatory for about 30 years. Especially for anyone named Palin.

Forget I said that. I’m really not a totalitarian monster who would force women under age 43 to abort their children. Okay, I’m not a totalitarian. I’m pro-choice. I believe that women – not people generally, that would be going too far – women should have the right to control their bodies. Forcing women to give birth against their will damages women.

Men are pigs and should be castrated. Hey! Hey! HEY! Before you get all up in my shit, I meant heterosexual men should be forcibly castrated, which would eliminate the need for forced abortions. Gay men are still pigs, but we’re generally safer than heteros, so we get a pass on the castration thing.

See, I’m not a totalitarian monster after all. I’m just a fucking brilliant tolerant gay person fighting for the equal rights of everyone. It’s just that some people – mainly gays and women, but mostly gays, and gays of color especially, but perhaps not bisexuals, and of course not all heteros, and absolutely not male hetero Republicans (who should all be killed, except my father) – are more equal than others, and I think it’s very important to remember that.

God that last paragraph was cathartic. It reminds me of where I started, so long ago. Once upon a time, I thought I was a heterosexual male, then I thought I was bisexual, until that little voice in my head said “yeah, right” and I emerged into my fully gay self. And it reminds me of the wonder we call life, which I too often forget. Why was I born? Was my mother forced to give birth to me? Did my arrival into the world damage my mother?

Oh, shit. My abortion should have been mandatory.