Category Archives: Sex

Object Assumption

Dear RealDanSavage: I’m a twentysomething genetic male. I thought for a while that I might be trans, but I ended up deciding that while I hate my masculine features and like girl clothes and want to be “cute,” I have no desire to be female and don’t want to have breasts or a vagina. I also don’t identify with a particular sexual orientation, as I don’t find the concept useful. I’ve been with both boys and girls, and currently I’m with a trans girl who wants to get sex-reassignment surgery (SRS). Is it insensitive, as a rule, to be attracted to trans girls? I like to think of myself as sexually progressive, and I don’t want to objectify anybody. – Hates Real Vaginas

Dear Hate:

I wanted to quote a freelance writer and trans media activist, but my priest/lawyer/congressperson said that would be stupid so I’m giving you the straight shit instead.

You have a mental disorder.

This is not just my personal opinion, though, so don’t go hatin’ on me. Don’t get me wrong: I’m big into hate. You just need to hate the right person, which would be Dr. Paul McHugh, the former psychiatrist in chief at Johns Hopkins Hospital.

“‘Sex change’ is biologically impossible.  People who undergo sex-reassignment surgery do not change from men to women or vice versa. Rather, they become feminized men or masculinized women. Claiming that this is civil-rights matter and encouraging surgical intervention is in reality to collaborate with and promote a mental disorder.

The good news is that you have a 75% chance of getting over your disorder just by doing nothing!

If your girlfriend wants surgery … well, OK … but don’t drop my name because she’ll probably have even more mental problems about 10 years after the procedure. Which would be bad enough by itself, but you should also know that the suicide mortality rate after SRS is “almost 20-fold above the comparable nontransgender population.”

Damn. Mental disorder, followed by more mental problems, followed by suicide. Please excuse me, but I don’t care how good the sex is – and I’m BIG into sex – that is some shit I could do without.

The bottom line, according to McHugh? You can’t be a woman, and she can’t be a man.

But you don’t have to believe someone with a long career of investigating the neuroscientific foundations of motivated behaviors, psychiatric genetics, epidemiology, and neuropsychiatry.

No. You can choose to believe Parker Marie Molloy, an essayist and transgender media advocate who writes about feminism and gender-related topics for The Advocate, Rolling Stone, The Huffington Post, Salon, and Talking Points Memo.

Molloy says the two of you should “sit down and have a long talk about genitals.”

Yeah, I know I said I’d give you the straight shit, but I’ve changed my mind. No contest. Go with Molloy.

Advertisements

Greek god compels transgender student to commit hate crime

The Earth, or the Fight of Heracles and Antaeus, 1819, by Auguste Couder

The Earth, or the Fight of Heracles and Antaeus, 1819, by Auguste Couder

The name Hercules is enough to trigger a raging hard-on, or fears of epic gang rapes by giants. Or both, if you’re a savage cisgender gay male like me.

In Hercules, California, police were recently called in to investigate a hate crime after a transgender student alleged that he’d been sexually assaulted in the boys’ bathroom at Hercules High School. (Where is the Hydra when you need her to guard the underworld?)

The report turned out to be a hoax.

I know us gay men supposed to have our cocks in line when talking about shit like this, but something (maybe its my latent Catholicism, but straight up honesty is also a suspect) tells me to call bullshit on Carolyn Laub, executive director of the Gay-Straight Alliance Network.

“Even if this particular story isn’t true,” she told the press, “the school’s response, to put in place plans for bringing the community together and addressing school safety and climate, is a good outcome.”

That’s like saying, “Even if Matthew Shepard was murdered by his gay drug-dealing lover after a five-day meth bender, it was good for us to believe a lie for fifteen long years, because that lie helped us tear down a culture we hated and build another in its place.”

Hmm. I hadn’t really thought of it that way until writing those words, but I’m right. The lie of Shepard’s murder did turn out pretty well for us. Never mind, Carolyn, I forgive you.

We don’t know why the student snapped, and told police he was “beaten and sexually assaulted” by three heterosexual boys in the school bathroom, but we might start with the name of the school.

The school in question is named after the divine Greek hero Heracles who, among other things: a) while still a baby, strangled a snake sent to kill him; b) killed a monstrous lion that was impervious to mortal weapons; c) slew the many-headed Hydra, which guarded the underworld and was bred by the goddess Hera to kill him; and d) stole the magical girdle of Hippolyta, the Queen of the Amazons, which was given to her by her father Ares, the god of war.

Fuck. My dick gets hard just thinking about it. But I’m not fifteen, and I didn’t get assaulted at a school named after a Greek god who murdered his own wife and children in a fit of rage, and then paid for his sin with the most extreme penance known to literature.

Yeah, the transgender teen lied. No, there was no assault. Yes, if a straight dude had falsely accused three gay boys of the same thing, we’d be talking prison time. But we can still work it to our advantage by shifting blame to Western Civilization. I blame Heracles.


Gay members of the 1% targeted for rape after Christian church ruling

Millionaire gay men Barrie and Tony Drewitt-Barlow narrowly escaped a gang rape, and then almost drowned in a flash flood before having a midnight orgy with their rescuers, after the Church of England ruled that priests will not be allowed to bless gay and lesbian weddings, or marry someone of the same sex themselves.

Less than 24 hours after the church’s announcement, the home of Britain’s most famous gay couple was vandalized by unknown thugs. Fleeing for their lives, Barrie and Tony drove their Range Rover Sport into a flash flood and had to be rescued by muscular local firefighters.

Graffiti targeting the wealthy is seen on the  garage door of the Drewitt-Barlow household.

Graffiti targeting the wealthy is seen on the garage door of the Drewitt-Barlow household.

The flooded Range Rover

The flooded Range Rover

Rescue

The rescue required 15 firefighters, a helicopter, and an inflatable raft.

Police won’t say if they suspect French anti-gay protesters from the organization Manif Pour Tous, but the group has been traveling since last year’s protest in Paris, and agitators say they plan to “perpetuate the movement at a grassroots level.”

Police also won’t say if they suspect Colin Hart of the Coalition for Marriage, but Hart has lashed out at “the totalitarian forces of political correctness” before. “We warned Mr. Cameron this would happen, we told him he was making promises that he couldn’t possibly keep. He didn’t listen. He didn’t care. He’s the one who has created this mess.”

Hart fears that gay marriage laws, despite the church’s ruling, will force churches “to choose between stopping conducting weddings, or vicars, and priests defying the law and finding themselves languishing in the dock.”

“If I was a Sikh I could get married at the Gurdwara,” Tony countered, shivering in a blanket while getting a rubdown by a muscular firefighter. “Liberal Jews can marry in the Synagogue – just not the Christians. It upsets me because I want it so much – a big lavish ceremony, the whole works … I am still not getting what I want. I hope my priest does end up in jail. This attack by the Anti-Rich Occupy Homophobes is all the fault of the church.”

“The ruling by the church is like someone giving me a sweetie with the wrapper on and telling me to suck it,” said Barrie, as he fondled the fire hose of his rescuers.

“Yeah, suck it,” Tony said.

The rescue evolved into a midnight orgy, and someone brought out a Fucksaw. Through the grunting, the men could be heard complaining about the church.

When asked about the difference between a gang rape and an orgy, Barrie and Tony said, “not much, if you do it right.”

The rescue quickly evolved into a full-on orgy.

The rescue quickly evolved into a full-on orgy.


I love Alec Baldwin more than Anderson Cooper and the NFL combined

Blowjobs don't make up for everything

Blowjobs don’t make up for everything

I love Anderson Cooper because he’s gay. But I love Alec Baldwin more because he’s not a sellout. Blowjobs don’t make up for everything.

Anderson Cooper is a media whore. Not to mention a card-carrying member of the Gay Department of Justice. And the new Gay Sheriff.

Yeah, I know my alter-ego called Baldwin a “homophobic bigot” awhile back. (Don’t hate us, Alec, that was just the Great Disappointment talking.) But we all have to move forward, and the NFL debate over the N-word has caused me to reconsider.

The NFL is expected to enforce a 15-yard penalty when the N-word is used on the field of play. But that could be difficult, some players say.

“I think it’s going to be really tough to legislate this rule, to find a way to penalize everyone who uses this word,” Ryan Clark, a Pittsburgh Steelers safety who’s spent 12 years in the league, told ESPN’s Bob Ley during an “Outside The Lines” special report. “And it’s not going to be white players using it toward black players. Most of the time you hear it, it’s black players using the word.”

Black people, says rap/TV star Common, have taken ownership of the word.

“We took it inside our house and made it our own, and now we brought it back out to the world … but unfortunately some people don’t understand it. They shouldn’t use it. So we got to make them aware. No. You can’t use this word. This is something that’s off limits to you.”

I’m supposed to agree. And, by extension, I’m supposed to agree that the words “cock-sucking faggot” are off limits to anyone who isn’t gay.

Strangely enough, I find myself agreeing with Geraldo Rivera.

“I have to say. You talk about fundamentalism in terms of Christianity. I think that Alec Baldwin, for instance, was drummed off MSNBC by fundamentalist gay activists. … and I think Alec Baldwin was absolutely right to criticize people who were condemning him. … Sean, Baldwin and I all grew up within ten miles of each other. And when we were growing up, especially in my era, those comments were commonplace. You have to give people some slack …”

Common and Rivera are essentially saying the same thing: They grew up with certain words, they own those words, and they should be allowed to use those words without being censored. (Well, except that Common takes the next step and wants to censor others in the name of freedom of speech … but I’ll cut him some slack there.)

Similarly, I should be able to call Sarah Palin a “shit-talking pimp who makes money playing to the carefully cultivated persecution complexes of conservative Christian rubes who wouldn’t know what religious persecution was if it sat on their faces and shit in their mouths” … even if — or perhaps especially because — I’m not a shit-talking pimp, not a Christian rube, don’t persecute others, and don’t shit in other people’s mouths.

See what I mean? That’s why I love Alec Baldwin. We’re both iconoclasts. Common and the rest of the black community should just let me go down on them.

As for Louis Farrakhan, he can blow me.

Shit. I need a blowjob. Maybe Kathy is available. Oh. Before I forget, get your Very Anderson Cooper Christmas Cards before I decide to become a sellout. After that, I can’t guarantee their availability.

Make sure to get your Very Anderson Cooper Christmas card before they sell out!

Make sure to get your Very Anderson Cooper Christmas card before they sell out!


What’s the best age to euthanize stupid heterosexual women?

It’s impossible to open your web browser these days without seeing absurd articles written by stupid fucks. I should know.

Take Erin Gloria Ryan, for instance, writing over at Jezebel about “the best age to have an abortion.” Her conclusion? Age 25.

Not age 27-30, which, according to Ryan, is her own demographic and the beginning of sexual death because “who knows when you’ll find another guy willing to repeatedly fuck your aging-out-of-online-dating carcass.”

If you can’t find one, Erin, maybe something’s wrong with you. My guy repeatedly fucks my aging carcass — at least on the days when I’m not repeatedly fucking another guy’s aging carcass — and I’m married!

If you are getting repeatedly fucked, Erin, then you’re just a snarky bitch whose “carcass” remains undiminished by childbirth. And if you haven’t been sterilized, then I hope your repeated fucking occurs in a county which has an abortion clinic — because the rest of humanity would likely prefer to euthanize itself rather than support Erin Gloria Ryan Jr.

So, what is the best age to euthanize stupid heterosexual women? If I remembered how to use my euthanatic opioids, I wouldn’t be asking this question. I’d be out there kevorking women like Ryan. But here goes:

  • Under 18: Yes
  • 18-23: Yes
  • 24-27: Yes
  • 27-30: Yes
  • 30-34: Yes
  • 35-39: Yes
  • After 40: Yes

Taking into account the stupidity of some heterosexual women at any age, I’d say that any age is right for euthanasia. Disagree? Fuck you.


Fucksaw the Sleepwalker

The statue "Sleep Walker" is part of an art exhibit featuring sculptor Tony Matelli at the college's Davis Museum.

The statue “Sleep Walker” is part of an art exhibit featuring sculptor Tony Matelli at the college’s Davis Museum.

Dear Real Dan Savage: I’m a student at Wellesley College, and I’m scared. The college recently erected a highly lifelike statue of a mostly-naked man sleepwalking in nothing but underwear. This inappropriate and potentially harmful addition to our community immediately became a source of undue stress for a number of students. While the sculpture may not trigger, disturb, or bother everyone on campus, as a community it is our responsibility to pay attention to and attempt to answer the needs of all of our community members.

For those among us who find the sculpture triggering, daily activities that require moving about the campus may be seriously impeded by the nature, location, and context of the sculpture. I welcome outdoor art that is provocative without causing me unnecessary distress, but I want the college to notify us before displaying public art, especially if it is of a particularly shocking or sensitive nature. I’ve attached a photograph of this shocking sculpture, so you can understand just how shocking it is.

Scared in Wellesley

Dear Scared: I can’t tell if you’re Agender, Androgyne, Androgynous, Bigender, Cis, Cisgender, Cis Female, Cis Male, Cis Man, Cis Woman, Cisgender Female, Cisgender Male, Cisgender Man, Cisgender Woman, Female to Male, FTM, Gender Fluid, Gender Nonconforming, Gender Questioning, Gender Variant, Genderqueer, Intersex, Male to Female, MTF, Neither, Neutrois, Non-binary, Other, Pangender, Trans, Trans*, Trans Female, Trans* Female, Trans Male, Trans* Male, Trans Man, Trans* Man, Trans Person, Trans* Person, Trans Woman, Trans* Woman, Transfeminine, Transgender, Transgender Female, Transgender Male, Transgender Man, Transgender Person, Transgender Woman, Transmasculine, Transsexual, Transsexual Female, Transsexual Male, Transsexual Man, Transsexual Person, Transsexual Woman, or Two-Spirit.

But never mind. It doesn’t matter. If you’re scared of a statue you’re a pussy. Here’s how you can fix that.

Go to your local home improvement store (there’s a Lowe’s at 350 Cochituate Rd. in Framingham) and get yourself a reciprocating saw, a portable power supply, and some safety glasses. Then get a dildo. Amazing Intimate Essentials in Waltham will have a good selection for you to choose from. Then make a fucksaw.

The Fuck Saw used by Professor J. Michael Bailey at Northwestern University.  At the demonstration, At the demo, a naked woman took the stage, and was repeatedly sexually stimulated by a motorized device.

The Fuck Saw used by Professor J. Michael Bailey at Northwestern University. At the demonstration, At the demo, a naked woman took the stage, and was repeatedly sexually stimulated by a motorized device.

Using the safety glasses, make sure the saw works properly. If you can’t find a volunteer, I’ll come to Wellesley myself.

Here’s the important part. Pay attention. 1) Send a press release to the local press, including your campus newspapers, announcing your intention to Fucksaw the Sleepwalker. Choose a day and time when the campus is busy. 2) At the appointed time, start up the Fucksaw and fuck the Sleepwalker with it. Do Not Chicken Out!

Call it “performance art” and you’ll probably get off with a slap on the wrist. But, most importantly, you won’t be Scared in Wellesley anymore.


Thank my lucky Tampax that ‘freebleeding’ is a hoax

Man as TamponSo #freebleeding is a hoax. Good. Because my husband and I love tampon sex sometimes. And besides that, I hate it when my ass bleeds all over the sheets.

Yeah, yeah … I know I said that “if you do anal sex right, it doesn’t hurt.” I also said:

There’s no such thing as “100 percent safe sex,” just as there’s no such thing as “100 percent safe chicken salad,” DBTR. … There is only safer sex: use condoms when appropriate, have more sex with fewer partners, get regular STI screenings.

So, occasionally, when my husband shoves a tampon up my ass at my request, I’m thankful for the Superior Absorption with Fluid-Lock Grooves. (Yeah, I admit I prefer o.b. What man doesn’t?) If nothing else, it helps me get my groove on.