Tag Archives: shit

Object Assumption

Dear RealDanSavage: I’m a twentysomething genetic male. I thought for a while that I might be trans, but I ended up deciding that while I hate my masculine features and like girl clothes and want to be “cute,” I have no desire to be female and don’t want to have breasts or a vagina. I also don’t identify with a particular sexual orientation, as I don’t find the concept useful. I’ve been with both boys and girls, and currently I’m with a trans girl who wants to get sex-reassignment surgery (SRS). Is it insensitive, as a rule, to be attracted to trans girls? I like to think of myself as sexually progressive, and I don’t want to objectify anybody. – Hates Real Vaginas

Dear Hate:

I wanted to quote a freelance writer and trans media activist, but my priest/lawyer/congressperson said that would be stupid so I’m giving you the straight shit instead.

You have a mental disorder.

This is not just my personal opinion, though, so don’t go hatin’ on me. Don’t get me wrong: I’m big into hate. You just need to hate the right person, which would be Dr. Paul McHugh, the former psychiatrist in chief at Johns Hopkins Hospital.

“‘Sex change’ is biologically impossible.  People who undergo sex-reassignment surgery do not change from men to women or vice versa. Rather, they become feminized men or masculinized women. Claiming that this is civil-rights matter and encouraging surgical intervention is in reality to collaborate with and promote a mental disorder.

The good news is that you have a 75% chance of getting over your disorder just by doing nothing!

If your girlfriend wants surgery … well, OK … but don’t drop my name because she’ll probably have even more mental problems about 10 years after the procedure. Which would be bad enough by itself, but you should also know that the suicide mortality rate after SRS is “almost 20-fold above the comparable nontransgender population.”

Damn. Mental disorder, followed by more mental problems, followed by suicide. Please excuse me, but I don’t care how good the sex is – and I’m BIG into sex – that is some shit I could do without.

The bottom line, according to McHugh? You can’t be a woman, and she can’t be a man.

But you don’t have to believe someone with a long career of investigating the neuroscientific foundations of motivated behaviors, psychiatric genetics, epidemiology, and neuropsychiatry.

No. You can choose to believe Parker Marie Molloy, an essayist and transgender media advocate who writes about feminism and gender-related topics for The Advocate, Rolling Stone, The Huffington Post, Salon, and Talking Points Memo.

Molloy says the two of you should “sit down and have a long talk about genitals.”

Yeah, I know I said I’d give you the straight shit, but I’ve changed my mind. No contest. Go with Molloy.


Ethan Krupp interviews Dan Savage

Ethan Krupp, the hit star of the Pajama Boy infomercials for the Affordable Care Act, recently sat down with The Real Dan Savage (not to be confused with Fake Dan Savage, who is the “real” real Dan Savage – see how I did that?). Here’s a transcript of the interview.

Ethan Krupp: Fuck, I’m a liberal fuck.

The Real Dan Savage: I’m a liberal fuck, too.

EK: We should fuck.

[The Real Dan Savage sits on Krupp’s lap. Krupp pushes him off.]

EK: Wait! That was just a metaphor. I really like having a beautiful woman on my arm as I stride across campus.

TRDS: That’s fine. Who am I to judge your usage of women for personal aggrandizement? Maybe we should just organize a liberal fuck-fest instead.

EK: Well, the two activities aren’t mutually exclusive. But didn’t we already do that with ObamaCare?

TRDS: Good one, Ethan. So you’re distancing yourself from Obama, too?

EK:  Of course not. I have no morals.

TRDS: Preach it, brother!

EK: Oh, it looks like the cameras are finally ready. [To the camera] Are you assholes ready? My cocoa is cold, and these pj’s are riding up. Oh, you think that’s funny? Well, fuck you. I will attack you. [To TRDS] You like how I did that?

TRDS: You’re a vagina, not that that’s a bad thing. But I triple-dog-dare you to say that on camera. Hell, I used the word cunnilingus on Anderson Cooper’s show the other day.

EK: I saw that! That was awesome! [Puts up a hand for a high-five, which TRDS ignores] But did Anderson tell you that I was the guy who performed the cunnilingus on his 85-year-old mother? I am the fucking Nijinsky of cunnilingus!

TRDS: Fuck yeah! [Puts up a hand for a high-five, which EK ignores] Oh! Is that how it is? I’m here because YOU asked ME … and you ignore my high-five?

EK: [Puts up his hand for a high-five] Sorry. You’re absolutely right. By the way, who’s Nijinsky?

TRDS: [Ignores the lame high-five attempt by EK] Suffice it to say that you will pay for your cunnilingus crimes. You’ll be arrested by Republicans, who will deny you the right to perform your amazing cunnilingus skills. You’ll die in Switzerland, while your family witnesses your excruciating decline into mental illness, having never performed cunnilingus again.

EK: What the fuck?

TRDS: You’re the one who asked. What the fuck did you ask me here for?

EK: Jesus, you’re an asshole.

TRDS: Hey, you fuck with the wrong asshole and you see what happens.

EK: Yolo.

TRDS: What the fuck does that mean?

EK: How old are you, anyway? Did you fight in World War II? [EK tries out the smirk that won him such fame in the Pajama Boy infomercial]

TRDS: [Sits up on the edge of his chair and flexes] Hey! I doubled down on Palin with the whole shit-in-your mouth thing that got Martin Bashir fired! You want to take me on?

EK: [Unzips the plaid onesie, baring his chest] Dissing Sarah Palin is so old school. I work for fucking OFA, and once joked that sex was better DURING the 9/11 attack. So fuck you, you homo!

TRDS: [Unintelligible] You little prick! [Jumps on EK]

EK: Stop! Stop! [Unintelligible] You’re ripping my onesie!

Camera Person: And … we’re on with MSNBC in 3 … 2… 1 …