Tag Archives: sexual death

My heteronormative patriarch is guilty. Not me.

I reject your heteronormative patriarchal definition of murder!

I reject your heteronormative patriarchal definition of murder!

Dear RealDanSavage,

I’m a transgender woman being charged with the murders of several prostitutes more than 20 years ago in Spokane. I didn’t do it. Doug did. Please help me.

Donna Not Doug

Dear Donna,

You are trans*woman! I hear you roar! Pay no attention to intolerant, homophobic, racist, misogynist a-holes with an iPhone and a tenth grade education who can’t see beyond the rigid social constructions of masculinity and femininity where people exist in binary pairs.

If you were Doug back then, and you’re Donna today, then Donna didn’t do it. You were Dominant then, and now you’re Submissive. You were the Penetrator, and now you’re being Penetrated.

Seriously, though, you should lube up for some serious Penetrating, because you’re probably headed for the Big House where The Heteronormative Patriarchy is large and in charge.

Unless you follow my lawyer’s advice and plead not guilty by reason of insanity.


Gay members of the 1% targeted for rape after Christian church ruling

Millionaire gay men Barrie and Tony Drewitt-Barlow narrowly escaped a gang rape, and then almost drowned in a flash flood before having a midnight orgy with their rescuers, after the Church of England ruled that priests will not be allowed to bless gay and lesbian weddings, or marry someone of the same sex themselves.

Less than 24 hours after the church’s announcement, the home of Britain’s most famous gay couple was vandalized by unknown thugs. Fleeing for their lives, Barrie and Tony drove their Range Rover Sport into a flash flood and had to be rescued by muscular local firefighters.

Graffiti targeting the wealthy is seen on the  garage door of the Drewitt-Barlow household.

Graffiti targeting the wealthy is seen on the garage door of the Drewitt-Barlow household.

The flooded Range Rover

The flooded Range Rover

Rescue

The rescue required 15 firefighters, a helicopter, and an inflatable raft.

Police won’t say if they suspect French anti-gay protesters from the organization Manif Pour Tous, but the group has been traveling since last year’s protest in Paris, and agitators say they plan to “perpetuate the movement at a grassroots level.”

Police also won’t say if they suspect Colin Hart of the Coalition for Marriage, but Hart has lashed out at “the totalitarian forces of political correctness” before. “We warned Mr. Cameron this would happen, we told him he was making promises that he couldn’t possibly keep. He didn’t listen. He didn’t care. He’s the one who has created this mess.”

Hart fears that gay marriage laws, despite the church’s ruling, will force churches “to choose between stopping conducting weddings, or vicars, and priests defying the law and finding themselves languishing in the dock.”

“If I was a Sikh I could get married at the Gurdwara,” Tony countered, shivering in a blanket while getting a rubdown by a muscular firefighter. “Liberal Jews can marry in the Synagogue – just not the Christians. It upsets me because I want it so much – a big lavish ceremony, the whole works … I am still not getting what I want. I hope my priest does end up in jail. This attack by the Anti-Rich Occupy Homophobes is all the fault of the church.”

“The ruling by the church is like someone giving me a sweetie with the wrapper on and telling me to suck it,” said Barrie, as he fondled the fire hose of his rescuers.

“Yeah, suck it,” Tony said.

The rescue evolved into a midnight orgy, and someone brought out a Fucksaw. Through the grunting, the men could be heard complaining about the church.

When asked about the difference between a gang rape and an orgy, Barrie and Tony said, “not much, if you do it right.”

The rescue quickly evolved into a full-on orgy.

The rescue quickly evolved into a full-on orgy.


What’s the best age to euthanize stupid heterosexual women?

It’s impossible to open your web browser these days without seeing absurd articles written by stupid fucks. I should know.

Take Erin Gloria Ryan, for instance, writing over at Jezebel about “the best age to have an abortion.” Her conclusion? Age 25.

Not age 27-30, which, according to Ryan, is her own demographic and the beginning of sexual death because “who knows when you’ll find another guy willing to repeatedly fuck your aging-out-of-online-dating carcass.”

If you can’t find one, Erin, maybe something’s wrong with you. My guy repeatedly fucks my aging carcass — at least on the days when I’m not repeatedly fucking another guy’s aging carcass — and I’m married!

If you are getting repeatedly fucked, Erin, then you’re just a snarky bitch whose “carcass” remains undiminished by childbirth. And if you haven’t been sterilized, then I hope your repeated fucking occurs in a county which has an abortion clinic — because the rest of humanity would likely prefer to euthanize itself rather than support Erin Gloria Ryan Jr.

So, what is the best age to euthanize stupid heterosexual women? If I remembered how to use my euthanatic opioids, I wouldn’t be asking this question. I’d be out there kevorking women like Ryan. But here goes:

  • Under 18: Yes
  • 18-23: Yes
  • 24-27: Yes
  • 27-30: Yes
  • 30-34: Yes
  • 35-39: Yes
  • After 40: Yes

Taking into account the stupidity of some heterosexual women at any age, I’d say that any age is right for euthanasia. Disagree? Fuck you.


Murdered lesbian prisoner nuns would be exempt from Obamacare

So, the Little Sisters of the Poor want an exemption from Obamacare, do they? Someone has already suggested one way of making that happen: organize the nuns into a union.

That doesn’t go far enough. The nuns need to organize a union, come out as lesbians, deny their faith, get themselves arrested, and rename their order as the Poor Little Sisters of the Big House. Then they’d qualify for at least one of these exemptions:

people who can’t afford coverage, even with a subsidy; people with income levels too low to require filing a federal tax return; members of certain Indian tribes; people who can claim a hardship; people who will have a short gap in their coverage;  members of certain religious groups that conscientiously oppose insurance benefit programs (e.g., the Amish); members of a “health care sharing ministry”; people in prison; and people who are not lawfully in the United States.

I’m not kidding. Nuns are just criminals anyway. They might as well make it official.

But maybe even THAT doesn’t go far enough. In my book, having a “moral objection to facilitating contraception, sterilization, and abortion” is a hanging offense.

If Obama would just have the nuns killed, they could go live in heaven where everyone gets free healthcare. We would no longer be forced to listen to their incessant whining about Obama’s “absurd new low.” They would get what they’ve always wanted. And America would finally be on its way toward the eradication of religion.

You think Obama has an ideological obsession? You ain’t seen nothin’ yet.

How’s that for a dangerous idea?


Barney Frank, Humanist of the Year, to receive on-stage blowjob at award ceremony

Barney Frank will receive a blowjob from The Real Dan Savage at the 73rd American Humanist Association's 2014 Annual Conference.

Barney Frank will receive a blowjob from The Real Dan Savage at the 73rd American Humanist Association’s 2014 Annual Conference.

I’ll be giving Barney Frank one of my epic blowjobs during the 73rd AHA Annual Conference, June 6-9, 2014 in Philadelphia, PA. You should come.

My husband won’t mind. He knows that monogamy can cause boredom, despair, lack of variety, sexual death and being taken for granted. (I taught him to be more realistic about marriage.)

Like me, Frank is a maverick who never gets bored. I mean, this is the dude who – as a sitting Congressmanperson – paid a gay prostitute for sex, invited him home, and allowed the man-killer to run a brothel out of his living room.

I thought I had great flaming balls of fire. I can’t wait to blow him.

But Frank wasn’t done after that. He went on to bigger and better things – he “helped caused an economic calamity that wiped out the life savings of millions of people he claimed to represent.”

Both Barney and Chris Dodd, his Senate counterpart, enjoyed the largesse and looked the other way–and worse. Frank secured a job at Fannie-Mae for his partner. Dodd received a sweetheart loan from the mega-sleazy Angelo Mozilo, the scoundrel in charge of Countrywide Mortgages. Neither of them took the massive Fannie and Freddie housing abuses seriously enough to investigate.

“Enjoyed the largesse and looked the other way.” He won’t be able to look away when I get busy enjoying HIS largesse. “Mega-sleazy.” Ooooh, Barney, talk dirty to me!

Damn! No wonder he’s getting the Humanist of the Year Award!

What I can’t figure out is why Frank didn’t blow me when I got the award in 2013.

Oh, well. I’m young, and there’s still hope that I’ll be as great as Frank some day. He reminds me of a smart, tough, old, grandfather I’d like to blow. Randy yet stern.