Poor FakeDanSavage. The “social cons” he loves to hate actually agree with him. It must be hard to see hell freezing over from your front porch.
Tag Archives: morals
The news that Fred Phelps is dying brought so much joy to my heart that I’ve created a short list of other people who deserve to die.*
- Republicans, with special circumstances for Sarah Palin and her evil spawn. I’m thinking wolves.
- Christians. Crucifixion for sure.
- Russians, especially Vladimir Putin. Bear baiting.
- Conservative talk show hosts. Death by waterboarding.
Haters, all of them. If we’re ever going to have a world free of hate, we need to kill the haters. It’s the only way to achieve transhumanity.
* RealDanSavage reserves the right to change this list without prior notice (and looks forward to doing so). By reading this list, you agree to kill a few haters yourself.
The name Hercules is enough to trigger a raging hard-on, or fears of epic gang rapes by giants. Or both, if you’re a savage cisgender gay male like me.
In Hercules, California, police were recently called in to investigate a hate crime after a transgender student alleged that he’d been sexually assaulted in the boys’ bathroom at Hercules High School. (Where is the Hydra when you need her to guard the underworld?)
I know us gay men supposed to have our cocks in line when talking about shit like this, but something (maybe its my latent Catholicism, but straight up honesty is also a suspect) tells me to call bullshit on Carolyn Laub, executive director of the Gay-Straight Alliance Network.
“Even if this particular story isn’t true,” she told the press, “the school’s response, to put in place plans for bringing the community together and addressing school safety and climate, is a good outcome.”
That’s like saying, “Even if Matthew Shepard was murdered by his gay drug-dealing lover after a five-day meth bender, it was good for us to believe a lie for fifteen long years, because that lie helped us tear down a culture we hated and build another in its place.”
Hmm. I hadn’t really thought of it that way until writing those words, but I’m right. The lie of Shepard’s murder did turn out pretty well for us. Never mind, Carolyn, I forgive you.
We don’t know why the student snapped, and told police he was “beaten and sexually assaulted” by three heterosexual boys in the school bathroom, but we might start with the name of the school.
The school in question is named after the divine Greek hero Heracles who, among other things: a) while still a baby, strangled a snake sent to kill him; b) killed a monstrous lion that was impervious to mortal weapons; c) slew the many-headed Hydra, which guarded the underworld and was bred by the goddess Hera to kill him; and d) stole the magical girdle of Hippolyta, the Queen of the Amazons, which was given to her by her father Ares, the god of war.
Fuck. My dick gets hard just thinking about it. But I’m not fifteen, and I didn’t get assaulted at a school named after a Greek god who murdered his own wife and children in a fit of rage, and then paid for his sin with the most extreme penance known to literature.
Yeah, the transgender teen lied. No, there was no assault. Yes, if a straight dude had falsely accused three gay boys of the same thing, we’d be talking prison time. But we can still work it to our advantage by shifting blame to Western Civilization. I blame Heracles.
Ethan Krupp, the hit star of the Pajama Boy infomercials for the Affordable Care Act, recently sat down with The Real Dan Savage (not to be confused with Fake Dan Savage, who is the “real” real Dan Savage – see how I did that?). Here’s a transcript of the interview.
Ethan Krupp: Fuck, I’m a liberal fuck.
The Real Dan Savage: I’m a liberal fuck, too.
EK: We should fuck.
[The Real Dan Savage sits on Krupp’s lap. Krupp pushes him off.]
EK: Wait! That was just a metaphor. I really like having a beautiful woman on my arm as I stride across campus.
TRDS: That’s fine. Who am I to judge your usage of women for personal aggrandizement? Maybe we should just organize a liberal fuck-fest instead.
EK: Well, the two activities aren’t mutually exclusive. But didn’t we already do that with ObamaCare?
TRDS: Good one, Ethan. So you’re distancing yourself from Obama, too?
EK: Of course not. I have no morals.
TRDS: Preach it, brother!
EK: Oh, it looks like the cameras are finally ready. [To the camera] Are you assholes ready? My cocoa is cold, and these pj’s are riding up. Oh, you think that’s funny? Well, fuck you. I will attack you. [To TRDS] You like how I did that?
TRDS: You’re a vagina, not that that’s a bad thing. But I triple-dog-dare you to say that on camera. Hell, I used the word cunnilingus on Anderson Cooper’s show the other day.
EK: I saw that! That was awesome! [Puts up a hand for a high-five, which TRDS ignores] But did Anderson tell you that I was the guy who performed the cunnilingus on his 85-year-old mother? I am the fucking Nijinsky of cunnilingus!
TRDS: Fuck yeah! [Puts up a hand for a high-five, which EK ignores] Oh! Is that how it is? I’m here because YOU asked ME … and you ignore my high-five?
EK: [Puts up his hand for a high-five] Sorry. You’re absolutely right. By the way, who’s Nijinsky?
TRDS: [Ignores the lame high-five attempt by EK] Suffice it to say that you will pay for your cunnilingus crimes. You’ll be arrested by Republicans, who will deny you the right to perform your amazing cunnilingus skills. You’ll die in Switzerland, while your family witnesses your excruciating decline into mental illness, having never performed cunnilingus again.
EK: What the fuck?
TRDS: You’re the one who asked. What the fuck did you ask me here for?
EK: Jesus, you’re an asshole.
TRDS: Hey, you fuck with the wrong asshole and you see what happens.
TRDS: What the fuck does that mean?
EK: How old are you, anyway? Did you fight in World War II? [EK tries out the smirk that won him such fame in the Pajama Boy infomercial]
TRDS: [Sits up on the edge of his chair and flexes] Hey! I doubled down on Palin with the whole shit-in-your mouth thing that got Martin Bashir fired! You want to take me on?
EK: [Unzips the plaid onesie, baring his chest] Dissing Sarah Palin is so old school. I work for fucking OFA, and once joked that sex was better DURING the 9/11 attack. So fuck you, you homo!
TRDS: [Unintelligible] You little prick! [Jumps on EK]
EK: Stop! Stop! [Unintelligible] You’re ripping my onesie!
Camera Person: And … we’re on with MSNBC in 3 … 2… 1 …