Gay members of the 1% targeted for rape after Christian church ruling

Millionaire gay men Barrie and Tony Drewitt-Barlow narrowly escaped a gang rape, and then almost drowned in a flash flood before having a midnight orgy with their rescuers, after the Church of England ruled that priests will not be allowed to bless gay and lesbian weddings, or marry someone of the same sex themselves.

Less than 24 hours after the church’s announcement, the home of Britain’s most famous gay couple was vandalized by unknown thugs. Fleeing for their lives, Barrie and Tony drove their Range Rover Sport into a flash flood and had to be rescued by muscular local firefighters.

Graffiti targeting the wealthy is seen on the  garage door of the Drewitt-Barlow household.

Graffiti targeting the wealthy is seen on the garage door of the Drewitt-Barlow household.

The flooded Range Rover

The flooded Range Rover

Rescue

The rescue required 15 firefighters, a helicopter, and an inflatable raft.

Police won’t say if they suspect French anti-gay protesters from the organization Manif Pour Tous, but the group has been traveling since last year’s protest in Paris, and agitators say they plan to “perpetuate the movement at a grassroots level.”

Police also won’t say if they suspect Colin Hart of the Coalition for Marriage, but Hart has lashed out at “the totalitarian forces of political correctness” before. “We warned Mr. Cameron this would happen, we told him he was making promises that he couldn’t possibly keep. He didn’t listen. He didn’t care. He’s the one who has created this mess.”

Hart fears that gay marriage laws, despite the church’s ruling, will force churches “to choose between stopping conducting weddings, or vicars, and priests defying the law and finding themselves languishing in the dock.”

“If I was a Sikh I could get married at the Gurdwara,” Tony countered, shivering in a blanket while getting a rubdown by a muscular firefighter. “Liberal Jews can marry in the Synagogue – just not the Christians. It upsets me because I want it so much – a big lavish ceremony, the whole works … I am still not getting what I want. I hope my priest does end up in jail. This attack by the Anti-Rich Occupy Homophobes is all the fault of the church.”

“The ruling by the church is like someone giving me a sweetie with the wrapper on and telling me to suck it,” said Barrie, as he fondled the fire hose of his rescuers.

“Yeah, suck it,” Tony said.

The rescue evolved into a midnight orgy, and someone brought out a Fucksaw. Through the grunting, the men could be heard complaining about the church.

When asked about the difference between a gang rape and an orgy, Barrie and Tony said, “not much, if you do it right.”

The rescue quickly evolved into a full-on orgy.

The rescue quickly evolved into a full-on orgy.


I love Alec Baldwin more than Anderson Cooper and the NFL combined

Blowjobs don't make up for everything

Blowjobs don’t make up for everything

I love Anderson Cooper because he’s gay. But I love Alec Baldwin more because he’s not a sellout. Blowjobs don’t make up for everything.

Anderson Cooper is a media whore. Not to mention a card-carrying member of the Gay Department of Justice. And the new Gay Sheriff.

Yeah, I know my alter-ego called Baldwin a “homophobic bigot” awhile back. (Don’t hate us, Alec, that was just the Great Disappointment talking.) But we all have to move forward, and the NFL debate over the N-word has caused me to reconsider.

The NFL is expected to enforce a 15-yard penalty when the N-word is used on the field of play. But that could be difficult, some players say.

“I think it’s going to be really tough to legislate this rule, to find a way to penalize everyone who uses this word,” Ryan Clark, a Pittsburgh Steelers safety who’s spent 12 years in the league, told ESPN’s Bob Ley during an “Outside The Lines” special report. “And it’s not going to be white players using it toward black players. Most of the time you hear it, it’s black players using the word.”

Black people, says rap/TV star Common, have taken ownership of the word.

“We took it inside our house and made it our own, and now we brought it back out to the world … but unfortunately some people don’t understand it. They shouldn’t use it. So we got to make them aware. No. You can’t use this word. This is something that’s off limits to you.”

I’m supposed to agree. And, by extension, I’m supposed to agree that the words “cock-sucking faggot” are off limits to anyone who isn’t gay.

Strangely enough, I find myself agreeing with Geraldo Rivera.

“I have to say. You talk about fundamentalism in terms of Christianity. I think that Alec Baldwin, for instance, was drummed off MSNBC by fundamentalist gay activists. … and I think Alec Baldwin was absolutely right to criticize people who were condemning him. … Sean, Baldwin and I all grew up within ten miles of each other. And when we were growing up, especially in my era, those comments were commonplace. You have to give people some slack …”

Common and Rivera are essentially saying the same thing: They grew up with certain words, they own those words, and they should be allowed to use those words without being censored. (Well, except that Common takes the next step and wants to censor others in the name of freedom of speech … but I’ll cut him some slack there.)

Similarly, I should be able to call Sarah Palin a “shit-talking pimp who makes money playing to the carefully cultivated persecution complexes of conservative Christian rubes who wouldn’t know what religious persecution was if it sat on their faces and shit in their mouths” … even if — or perhaps especially because — I’m not a shit-talking pimp, not a Christian rube, don’t persecute others, and don’t shit in other people’s mouths.

See what I mean? That’s why I love Alec Baldwin. We’re both iconoclasts. Common and the rest of the black community should just let me go down on them.

As for Louis Farrakhan, he can blow me.

Shit. I need a blowjob. Maybe Kathy is available. Oh. Before I forget, get your Very Anderson Cooper Christmas Cards before I decide to become a sellout. After that, I can’t guarantee their availability.

Make sure to get your Very Anderson Cooper Christmas card before they sell out!

Make sure to get your Very Anderson Cooper Christmas card before they sell out!


What’s the best age to euthanize stupid heterosexual women?

It’s impossible to open your web browser these days without seeing absurd articles written by stupid fucks. I should know.

Take Erin Gloria Ryan, for instance, writing over at Jezebel about “the best age to have an abortion.” Her conclusion? Age 25.

Not age 27-30, which, according to Ryan, is her own demographic and the beginning of sexual death because “who knows when you’ll find another guy willing to repeatedly fuck your aging-out-of-online-dating carcass.”

If you can’t find one, Erin, maybe something’s wrong with you. My guy repeatedly fucks my aging carcass — at least on the days when I’m not repeatedly fucking another guy’s aging carcass — and I’m married!

If you are getting repeatedly fucked, Erin, then you’re just a snarky bitch whose “carcass” remains undiminished by childbirth. And if you haven’t been sterilized, then I hope your repeated fucking occurs in a county which has an abortion clinic — because the rest of humanity would likely prefer to euthanize itself rather than support Erin Gloria Ryan Jr.

So, what is the best age to euthanize stupid heterosexual women? If I remembered how to use my euthanatic opioids, I wouldn’t be asking this question. I’d be out there kevorking women like Ryan. But here goes:

  • Under 18: Yes
  • 18-23: Yes
  • 24-27: Yes
  • 27-30: Yes
  • 30-34: Yes
  • 35-39: Yes
  • After 40: Yes

Taking into account the stupidity of some heterosexual women at any age, I’d say that any age is right for euthanasia. Disagree? Fuck you.


Fucksaw the Sleepwalker

The statue "Sleep Walker" is part of an art exhibit featuring sculptor Tony Matelli at the college's Davis Museum.

The statue “Sleep Walker” is part of an art exhibit featuring sculptor Tony Matelli at the college’s Davis Museum.

Dear Real Dan Savage: I’m a student at Wellesley College, and I’m scared. The college recently erected a highly lifelike statue of a mostly-naked man sleepwalking in nothing but underwear. This inappropriate and potentially harmful addition to our community immediately became a source of undue stress for a number of students. While the sculpture may not trigger, disturb, or bother everyone on campus, as a community it is our responsibility to pay attention to and attempt to answer the needs of all of our community members.

For those among us who find the sculpture triggering, daily activities that require moving about the campus may be seriously impeded by the nature, location, and context of the sculpture. I welcome outdoor art that is provocative without causing me unnecessary distress, but I want the college to notify us before displaying public art, especially if it is of a particularly shocking or sensitive nature. I’ve attached a photograph of this shocking sculpture, so you can understand just how shocking it is.

Scared in Wellesley

Dear Scared: I can’t tell if you’re Agender, Androgyne, Androgynous, Bigender, Cis, Cisgender, Cis Female, Cis Male, Cis Man, Cis Woman, Cisgender Female, Cisgender Male, Cisgender Man, Cisgender Woman, Female to Male, FTM, Gender Fluid, Gender Nonconforming, Gender Questioning, Gender Variant, Genderqueer, Intersex, Male to Female, MTF, Neither, Neutrois, Non-binary, Other, Pangender, Trans, Trans*, Trans Female, Trans* Female, Trans Male, Trans* Male, Trans Man, Trans* Man, Trans Person, Trans* Person, Trans Woman, Trans* Woman, Transfeminine, Transgender, Transgender Female, Transgender Male, Transgender Man, Transgender Person, Transgender Woman, Transmasculine, Transsexual, Transsexual Female, Transsexual Male, Transsexual Man, Transsexual Person, Transsexual Woman, or Two-Spirit.

But never mind. It doesn’t matter. If you’re scared of a statue you’re a pussy. Here’s how you can fix that.

Go to your local home improvement store (there’s a Lowe’s at 350 Cochituate Rd. in Framingham) and get yourself a reciprocating saw, a portable power supply, and some safety glasses. Then get a dildo. Amazing Intimate Essentials in Waltham will have a good selection for you to choose from. Then make a fucksaw.

The Fuck Saw used by Professor J. Michael Bailey at Northwestern University.  At the demonstration, At the demo, a naked woman took the stage, and was repeatedly sexually stimulated by a motorized device.

The Fuck Saw used by Professor J. Michael Bailey at Northwestern University. At the demonstration, At the demo, a naked woman took the stage, and was repeatedly sexually stimulated by a motorized device.

Using the safety glasses, make sure the saw works properly. If you can’t find a volunteer, I’ll come to Wellesley myself.

Here’s the important part. Pay attention. 1) Send a press release to the local press, including your campus newspapers, announcing your intention to Fucksaw the Sleepwalker. Choose a day and time when the campus is busy. 2) At the appointed time, start up the Fucksaw and fuck the Sleepwalker with it. Do Not Chicken Out!

Call it “performance art” and you’ll probably get off with a slap on the wrist. But, most importantly, you won’t be Scared in Wellesley anymore.


Thank my lucky Tampax that ‘freebleeding’ is a hoax

Man as TamponSo #freebleeding is a hoax. Good. Because my husband and I love tampon sex sometimes. And besides that, I hate it when my ass bleeds all over the sheets.

Yeah, yeah … I know I said that “if you do anal sex right, it doesn’t hurt.” I also said:

There’s no such thing as “100 percent safe sex,” just as there’s no such thing as “100 percent safe chicken salad,” DBTR. … There is only safer sex: use condoms when appropriate, have more sex with fewer partners, get regular STI screenings.

So, occasionally, when my husband shoves a tampon up my ass at my request, I’m thankful for the Superior Absorption with Fluid-Lock Grooves. (Yeah, I admit I prefer o.b. What man doesn’t?) If nothing else, it helps me get my groove on.


Obama should kill Little Sisters of the Poor with pack of hungry dogs

Last week the web was all atwitter with the news that Kim Jong Un had killed his uncle with a pack of ravenous dogs. Now we learn the story is most likely a hoax.

That’s too bad.

You see, power is the ultimate aphrodisiac, and feeding anyone to a pack of dogs is a powerful act. Make it a live family member and my dick comes to attention. It makes me want to give Un one of my epic blowjobs. I mean, look at the guy. He’s practically begging for it.

Kim wants my lips around his dick. I can tell.

Kim wants my lips around his dick. I can tell.

Back here in the U.S. an obscure sect of old nuns who care for other old people had the temerity to challenge the Law of the Land and win.

That must not stand, and it looks like my black brother in the White House is playing strongman.

The Obama administration told the Supreme Court that nuns running an elder-care facility should have to provide “free” abortion drugs through their health-insurance plan.

But maybe not strong enough.

There is hope, though, that your hard-earned pay won’t be wasted on absurdities like this much longer. Religious freedom is so embedded in American law that Obamacare has suffered court orders against its mandate in 53 of 60 rulings so far.

It’s no secret that I hate real religion. (I like fake religion, though, so don’t get your knickers in a twist.) We almost managed to eliminate it from the public square, and then came Obamacare. Don’t get me wrong: I love taxpayer-funded healthcare for all. How my man Barack managed to fuck it up, I don’t know, but we need to fight back.

In the first wave of the abortion-pill-mandate debate, President Obama promised Christian leaders that the rule would exempt religious groups. But the abortion extremists had their way and the White House “evolved” on the issue. The 2012 election year “solution” was to tell religious groups they would, in the words of Cardinal Dolan, get an extra year delay in order to “figure out how to violate [their] consciences.”

Then the Obama administration walked into court against religious families who earn a living in business. It insisted that those job-creating families don’t possess religious freedom. The government has deemed the world of business and healthcare “secular,” where religion is not allowed.

You’re god-damned right the world is secular! No one has the right to force their agenda on anyone else!

But here come these nuns trying to fuck it all up. And now they have to pay.

Barack, you know dogs, so here’s the plan: Starve Bo and Sunny for the next couple weeks. Then invite the Little Sisters over for a Nun Summit. It’ll look like an accident.

Sic 'em Bo!

Sic ’em Bo!


Psychopaths who fuck in axial orientation with the earth’s magnetic field

Either I’m a psychopath or I just play one on TV – but I took the test and scored a 91%. Here’s what they say about me:

You can play hardball with the best of them! You know what you want and are not afraid to go for it – even if it means bending the rules occasionally and putting a few noses out of joint on the way. Nothing fazes you. You are decisive, self-confident and pretty much up for anything. You are a ‘means-to-an-end’ person. For you, it’s not necessarily a matter of right or wrong, but of what gets the job done. ‘Bring it on’ is your mantra, but to help those around you keep their heads, you should learn some tricks to help you temper your self-satisfying tendencies…

That sounds about right.

Fuck! How did I manage to score higher than Margaret Thatcher?!

Fuck! How did I manage to score higher than Margaret Thatcher?!

According to the online study, “the most psychopathic people” prefer fish for pets and the least prefer cats. I don’t know where dogs figure into the spectrum, but after decades of fucking, I’ve discovered that haptic memory figures prominently in my preferred penile grip and that I prefer to fuck in axial orientation with the earth’s magnetic field. I think that should lower my score by at least ten points.