The name Hercules is enough to trigger a raging hard-on, or fears of epic gang rapes by giants. Or both, if you’re a savage cisgender gay male like me.
In Hercules, California, police were recently called in to investigate a hate crime after a transgender student alleged that he’d been sexually assaulted in the boys’ bathroom at Hercules High School. (Where is the Hydra when you need her to guard the underworld?)
I know us gay men supposed to have our cocks in line when talking about shit like this, but something (maybe its my latent Catholicism, but straight up honesty is also a suspect) tells me to call bullshit on Carolyn Laub, executive director of the Gay-Straight Alliance Network.
“Even if this particular story isn’t true,” she told the press, “the school’s response, to put in place plans for bringing the community together and addressing school safety and climate, is a good outcome.”
That’s like saying, “Even if Matthew Shepard was murdered by his gay drug-dealing lover after a five-day meth bender, it was good for us to believe a lie for fifteen long years, because that lie helped us tear down a culture we hated and build another in its place.”
Hmm. I hadn’t really thought of it that way until writing those words, but I’m right. The lie of Shepard’s murder did turn out pretty well for us. Never mind, Carolyn, I forgive you.
We don’t know why the student snapped, and told police he was “beaten and sexually assaulted” by three heterosexual boys in the school bathroom, but we might start with the name of the school.
The school in question is named after the divine Greek hero Heracles who, among other things: a) while still a baby, strangled a snake sent to kill him; b) killed a monstrous lion that was impervious to mortal weapons; c) slew the many-headed Hydra, which guarded the underworld and was bred by the goddess Hera to kill him; and d) stole the magical girdle of Hippolyta, the Queen of the Amazons, which was given to her by her father Ares, the god of war.
Fuck. My dick gets hard just thinking about it. But I’m not fifteen, and I didn’t get assaulted at a school named after a Greek god who murdered his own wife and children in a fit of rage, and then paid for his sin with the most extreme penance known to literature.
Yeah, the transgender teen lied. No, there was no assault. Yes, if a straight dude had falsely accused three gay boys of the same thing, we’d be talking prison time. But we can still work it to our advantage by shifting blame to Western Civilization. I blame Heracles.